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As I left the theater after watching "Baywatch," one question bounced around my brain: "What did you expect?"
Obviously, one doesn't expect Shakespeare from a movie based on a jiggle-vision series that spent the 1990s focusing on boobs, butts, bikinis and David Hasselhoff's manly chest. Alas, what one expects from this comedic spin on the franchise — well-toned bodies; lazy, gross humor; a half-baked criminal plot — is exactly what director Seth Gordon delivers, and it's disappointing that he and his crew couldn't come up with a few fun surprises.
The most clever thing Gordon ("Horrible Bosses") gives us is in the opening credits. An action scene, in which head lifeguard Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson) rescues an injured paraglider, ends with the movie's title bursting up from the ocean like a breaching orca behind Mitch's heroic pose. It's all downhill from there.
Mitch runs a tight unit, patrolling the beach of Florida's Emerald Bay for drowning swimmers, beach thieves and other dangers. His crew of lifeguards, Stephanie Holden (Ilfenesh Hadera of "Billions") and C.J. Parker (Kelly Rohrbach), are holding tryouts for new trainees, and two contenders emerge: the athletic Summer Quinn (Alexandra Daddario) and the pudgy tech nerd Ronnie Greenbaum (Jon Bass).
Mitch's boss, Capt. Thorpe (Rob Huebel), insists he consider Matt Brody (Zac Efron) for the squad. Matt has two Olympic gold medals in swimming, but his career was derailed because of his partying and loner attitude — and teamwork is Mitch's first priority for his squad.
Mitch wants to track down the suppliers of a new street drug showing up on the beach, but Thorpe and the local beat cop, Sgt. Ellerbee (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II), remind him that investigating crime is outside his job description. When a city councilman (Oscar Nunez) dies under suspicious circumstances, Mitch suspects Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra), the owner of a beachside club, who has nefarious plans to take the bay's beaches private.
Gordon and screenwriters Damian Shannon and Mark Swift ("Freddy vs. Jason") use this skimpy plot as a clothesline on which to hang a series of lame gags, often focusing on male genitals. One running gag centers on Ronnie's constant drooling after C.J., leading to many embarrassing penis-related incidents. An extended bit that puts Mitch and Matt in a morgue, handling a corpse's penis, induces winces rather than laughs.
After all the predictable nonsense of "Baywatch" — the half-hearted raunch, Efron's him-bo preening, Chopra's cartoon villainy, Johnson's tough-guy one-liners, the inevitable cameos from series stars Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson — the movie sputters along to the closing credits. There, Gordon gives us one last unsurprising item: a blooper reel, showing the stars laughing and having fun. As long as they enjoyed themselves, does it matter that the audience doesn't?
Twitter: @moviecricket —
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'Baywatch'
The chest-obsessed '90s TV series gets recycled as a predictable raunch comedy.
Where • Theaters everywhere.
When • Opens Thursday, May 25.
Rating • R for language throughout, crude sexual content, and graphic nudity.
Running time • 116 minutes.