Fabrizio has also grilled me on his radio program, where he posed politically motivated questions like, "How are you today, Mr. Kirby?" and "Do you enjoy being a columnist for the Salt Lake Tribune?"

Anyone could see that such questions were part of a smear campaign specifically intended to make me appear incompetent as I struggled for answers that didn't involve the usual Smurfs and wizards.

Unlike Workman, I didn't leave in a huff. Rather I kept my cool and hoped for a commercial break during which I planned to beat Fabrizio with a chair and ask, "How do you like 'hard-hitting' interviews now, Mr. Radio Guy?"

That was the old me. These days I realize the importance of keeping my cool under fire. If I were running for public office - and thank the Lord that I'm not - I would hope that I were smart enough to handle the media appropriately.

For example, suppose I were invited (again) to appear on KUTV's ''Take Two'' with Rod Decker. Also suppose that Rod were to holler a question that had nothing to do with something ostensibly called "the issues."

Decker: "Mr. Kirby, you claim to be an environmentalist but how do you explain being charged by the Division of Wildlife Resources with dynamiting fish?"

There are a lot of ways to handle such a mean-spirited allegation. I could sweat and mumble some lame excuse. I could become offended and insult the circumstances of Rod's birth. I could even accuse him of being a political stooge.

The best method, however, would be to point wildly off-camera and shout, "Hey, what's that over there!" and then run away when everyone looked. Later I would justifiably accuse Rod of being distracted by a nonissue.

This same tactic would not work on KALL Radio's Tom Barberi. Tom would certainly fall for it, but his listeners wouldn't see him doing it. So, I would endear myself to them by recounting a nefarious anecdote involving one of Tom's female family members.

When Tom flew into an unprofessional rage and invited me out into the parking lot, I could then point out his inability to focus on what really mattered.

I probably know how to handle the media because I am a member of it. For this reason I cannot be put off by similar tactics. Recently, I conducted a grueling interview with acting Salt Lake County Mayor Alan Dayton.

Mayor Dayton and I met while we were judging a chili contest at the Salt Palace to help raise money for the homeless. For your benefit, here is the interview in its entirety.

Me: "Hey, Alan. How are things at the county?"

Him: "OK."

Me: "Gonna eat some chili?"

Him: "I guess. How's the wife?"

Me: "Mean as a snake."

Seriously, folks, do you really want elected officials satisfied with a form of government that is just average, officials who shamelessly accept free meals from special interest groups, officials interested in other men's wives?

Lucky for you I was there to bring all this to light.

---

Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby welcomes mail at 143 S. Main St., Salt Lake City, UT 84111, or e-mail at rkirby@sltrib.com.