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Who does a baby have to spit up on to get out of this picture?
Rated PG for violence and rude humor; 90 minutes.
Now open at area theaters.
Baby Geniuses ranked No. 8 on my list of the 10 worst movies of 1999, but Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 may top that mark this year - as it manages to surpass the original for witless banality and bargain-basement production values.
The movie's heroes are four two-year-olds at an L.A. day-care center, where a satellite-TV magnate, the vaguely Nazi-like Bill Biscane (Jon Voight), is planning to launch his new kid-friendly channel. One of the tykes, Archie (played by twins Michael and Max Iles), whose parents (Scott Baio and Vanessa Angel) run the day-care, learns Biscane is plotting to use his satellite to launch a mind-control program to manipulate babies' brains.
Riding to the rescue on his flying stroller is Kahuna, a superhero in the body of a 6-year-old (and played by triplets Gerry, Leo and Miles Fitzgerald, who played the lead babies in the first Baby Geniuses). Kahuna brings Archie and his pals, along with babysitter Kylie (Skyler Shaye), to thwart his archnemesis Biscane by giving the babies superpowers at his Willy Wonka-ish secret base behind the Hollywood sign. (I'm not making this stuff up, folks.)
Director Bob Clark - whose rsum includes A Christmas Story, Porky's and the first Baby Geniuses - shifts from odd scenes of the babies talking to each other (dialogue synched up, barely, to random mouth movement or computer-animated lip manipulation) to slapstick scenes of Kahuna (or a really short stuntperson) beating up Biscane's thugs. The less said about the finale, with special effects apparently downloaded from a GameBoy, the better.
It's not really a question of who bankrolled this idiocy, since the movie is so cheap-looking it could have been made for the change in your couch cushions. The real questions are these: What uncaring parent would waste their children's time taking them to see this nonsense? What self-respecting kid is going to sit still for it? And what incriminating photos do the producers have of Jon Voight?