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Dear Ann Cannon • My father left our family for another woman when I was 7. We'd been very close up until then, and his exit was crushing. Years passed and we heard from him rarely, with the exception of a $20 bill each Christmas and birthday. I've seen him maybe a dozen times since then, and up until last June I would call him on each holiday.
I am 46 years old, and I have been waiting nearly 40 years for the big apology, the fix. I've been waiting for the arrival of the Great Pumpkin.
We found out last Father's Day that my father has dementia. I realized at that point that I was never going to have a relationship with him as an adult. Something just turned off in me. I'm done. I haven't called since. My mother and stepfather have encouraged me to reach out to my stepmother to make sure my father is getting proper care, although he never did the same for us.
So my question is this: Should I reach out to him or is it just fine to be done? I need someone who is not family or friend to tell me. Thank you.
Done.
Dear Done. • God bless the fathers who take care of their own, divorce or no divorce. I'm so sorry that yours didn't and for the lifetime of true pain that has caused you.
I suspect that the family and friends urging you to reach out feel like they have your best interest at heart. They don't want you to regret not having done so, because, frankly, that could happen sometime down the road. And if you think that might be a possibility, consider making some kind of final gesture where your father is concerned — not for his sake, but for yours.
However, if you believe that doing so will only reopen old painful wounds, then don't. You've earned the right to shut the door on this part of your life.
It's your call and nobody else's.
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Dear Ann Cannon • Have graduation announcements become passé? I have multiple cousins whose children have graduated from high school over the past few years, and only one of them sent me a graduation announcement. Per tradition, I sent that person a congratulatory card and money. I would have done the same for all the rest had I received an announcement. Is this no longer done?
Willing to Note an Important Milestone With Money
Dear Willing • First things first. You'll notice I haven't included your address here so that you won't be bombarded with graduation announcements from strangers who want to take you up on your generous offer. You're welcome!
OK. When it comes to formal announcements of almost any kind, we've become much more casual as a society. People often text or send online invitations to events now, and that's probably not going to change. As a result, the appearance of an actual printed announcement in your actual mailbox delivered by an actual mail carrier can feel like a novelty these days.
Does this mean a graduate can't or shouldn't send out a printed announcement? Of course not, although the person sending it shouldn't automatically expect a gift in return.
Meanwhile, your willingness to celebrate the success of others is admirable.
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Dear Ann Cannon • My husband and I have made a thoughtful, conscious decision not to have children. The problem is that we both come from large families who keep asking us when we're going to have a baby of our own.
How do we tell our families it's none of their business?
Childless by Choice
Dear Childless • How do you tell your families it's none of their business? You say, "Families, it's none of your business."
Do say it as kindly as possible. Their questions, while intrusive, most likely come out of a place of love.
Meanwhile, let's all remind ourselves that there are many reasons people don't have children. It's important not to pry. Certain questions — no matter how well-meant or innocent — can be deeply hurtful.
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