This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2017, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Editor's note: Robert Kirby is off this week. This is a reprint of an earlier column.

For health care, I rely on the opinions of close friends. They are doctors and nurses, but friends nonetheless. This means that I get free medical advice from trained professionals who care enough about me to enjoy whatever misfortune I am going through.

For example, last week I asked a good friend, Dr. Alan Whitesides, if he could get me some medication for the flu. Alan is an actual medical doctor. Proof of this is that he once insisted that I could cure a recurring headache with plastic explosive.

"It won't even hurt very much," Alan said.

Because Alan once offered to perform same-day surgery on Pat Bagley in his garage, I got a second opinion. Turns out that not only was Alan right, but I would also be headache-free for the rest of my life. All .004 seconds of it.

Still, Alan refused to give me any free samples of antibiotics to take care of my flu. He said, and I quote, "Make an appointment."

However, even if I made the appointment, Alan told me straight-up that he wouldn't give me any antibiotics. In his learned opinion, there were better ways of treating whatever it was that I had.

What I had was the flu. And since I have had the flu before, I knew exactly what I needed to make things better — an aggressive regimen of morphine and Viagra.

As I suspected, Alan had never heard of this radical treatment for the flu. I explained the merits of it until he finally said, "I got dibs on the autopsy when you die. I want to see exactly what you've been using for a brain."

This, of course, is proof that doctors don't know everything. For that, you need a nurse. Preferably a mean one. The first nurse who ever inserted a catheter in me came immediately to mind, but she is probably in prison by now.

Instead, I called a local ER and talked with a nurse who refused to give me her name when she realized that I was calling from The Tribune. She did, however, agree to give me a sure-fire remedy for the flu that's been going around.

"Aspirin, plenty of bed rest, and a hot drink made from lemon and honey."

It was mean, but it worked. Lemon and honey, when mixed in precise amounts, will make your face slam shut loud enough to be heard in another time zone. It was 48 hours before I managed to get both eyes open. By then I was completely cured.

What this means is that you don't really need professional medical help to cure stuff like the flu. What the average person needs is a bit of common sense and a good home remedy. And I don't mean plastic explosives — although they do work.

Those of you with no home remedies (and little common sense) may wish to try some of the following treatments. Before we get started, though, the law requires that I tell you that I am not a doctor. But I am at least as smart as Alan. So use this stuff at your own peril.

• To reduce a fever, try drinking some catnip tea. If you don't have any catnip (and what are the odds?), do not try boiling an actual cat. Instead, check with your local health food store.

• To get rid of a headache, tie a bag of frozen peas onto the back of your head. Seriously, a cold compress there constricts the blood vessels. Migraine sufferers should use frozen corn or lima beans.

• For relief from respiratory congestion, try taking a hot garlic bath. Because of the side effects, this remedy should be avoided by people looking for love. Oh, and vampires.

Get well soon.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.