This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

I've never sued anyone. I bring up this point because I'm probably not the best person to give advice on whether a lawsuit has merit. But I consider myself smart enough to understand when one is completely stupid.

Note: My wife will tell you that what I have is more of a feral cunning than any real intelligence. I'm OK with that. It's kept me alive and entertained thus far.

Today's stupidity comes in the form of Saima Ahmad, 20, a second-year university law student in England, who's threatening to sue Nestle Corporation because her KitKat candy bar did not contain a crispy wafer. In fact, there were no wafers at all in the family pack of KitKats she purchased. Just chocolate.

For this lack of due diligence to its customers, Ahmad wants her money back (2 English pounds, or roughly 29 U.S. dollars), a letter from the CEO of Nestle, and a lifetime supply of KitKats.

"The loss I have suffered is of monetary and emotional significance," Ahmad said, presumably in the aggrieved tone normally reserved for people being stuffed into a bag of large rocks and thrown into the Thames.

Emotional significance? Really? How big of a wiener to you have to be in order for a wafer-less candy bar to hurt your feelings?

This isn't so much a complaint about frivolous lawsuits as it is about how little it takes to cause some people emotional distress. A candy bar? Are you serious or just stupid?

Then again, maybe I'm just a lout with low expectations. Once, while pouring a can of a popular brand of soup into a pot, I spotted the lifeless body of a tiny spider among the vegetables. I muttered "#$%@*"and ate it anyway.

I suppose I might sue someone if they really injured me, but it wouldn't be because they hurt my feelings. Hell, I barely have any of those.

What feelings I do have might be hurt if a doctor accidentally removed my spine. I'd definitely notice something like that. But I probably wouldn't sue him if he put it back. Mistakes sometimes happen.

But we're talking about a candy bar here. Who in their right mind complains (to the point of a lawsuit) that it was missing an almond or a bit of nougat?

Maybe it's religion. A photograph of Ahmed shows the young woman wearing a Muslim hijab. It could be that some Islamic tenet requires redress over a missing KitKat wafer. I don't know. But I do know other devout Muslims, and they wouldn't be bothered.

On the other hand, maybe this entire candy bar mess is simply a joke. What if the entire thing is a prank dreamed up by Ahmed and some friends because they're studying jurisprudence and realized that it's every bit as entertaining as rust?

Boredom is a dangerous thing. It can drive a person to do something crazy, particularly if they're young and easily excited.

I'll take this moment to admonish Ahmed that things like this can backfire. In 2003, a guy in San Francisco sued Kraft foods for putting trans-fat in Oreo cookies. He wanted an injunction that would force Kraft to stop selling Oreos to children.

The guy was serious, too. But then word got out and he ended up looking so ridiculous in the media that he dropped the entire matter.

Ahmed should take a note. If there's something I know a lot about, it's looking stupid in the media.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.