This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2015, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the House,
The GOP caucus was starkly quiet, even as a mouse;
The stockings were hung by House chambers with care,
In hopes that the lobbyists soon would be there;
House members were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of donations danced in their heads;
The speaker made sure that the votes would be there,
To keep donors happy as they came with their fare;
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
An assistant ran out to see what was the matter.
The aide then returned with some very bad news:
Reporters were out there with their camera crews.
The speaker was outraged for nobody can know,
How each member voted, it would be such a blow;
Didn't they know that the caucus was closed,
So the public would not know just how they got hosed?
The caucus would do what their Santas would need,
Then announce it was over and pay the public no heed;
How each member voted would never be known;
Otherwise, their cover would surely be blown;
And that might make some of their voters irate,
And they could be punished on the election night date;
To announce a decision that was done as a group,
With no need for results in the public loop,
House members could keep their voters in the dark,
While giving those Santas a little more spark.
But those pesky reporters would not go away;
They wanted to watch and report on the fray.
To keep them all happy, the speaker would say,
"Let's have a news conference and you can all play";
He then would cite the Utah state code,
That exempts the caucus from sharing the load.
Political groups can talk behind closed doors,
Then make the laws without all the boors.
Lawmakers can also go to the Swiss Alps,
Without public clamor for their political scalps;
"It's for your own good," they tell the girls and the boys,
"We will tell Santa what you want for your toys."
And as for keeping insurance from the poor,
That remains settled behind the unyielding closed door.
Meanwhile, the party will continue to fight,
To keep open primaries completely out of sight.
Santa knows best who should pick all your leaders,
To make sure they're not chosen by liberal heart bleeders.
The delegates can make those decisions themselves;
They were carefully selected to be Santa's elves;
Those Count My Vote thugs who would open elections,
Are altering the laws of natural selections.
Gerrymandering should also stay the law of the land,
So Santa knows which areas to give more of a hand.
So with all those rules you should be happy to know,
You're way better off with one party in tow;
That party knows where Santa Claus lives,
And can call him right up whenever he gives.
A change in that status could have dire results;
It could endanger lives and weaken the public pulse;
The Republican convention is the royal ball,
So have a good night, merry Christmas to all.