This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2015, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Friday is the 168th anniversary of the arrival of the Mormon pioneers. Depending on your point of view, this is something to celebrate or lament. Either way, we're going to have a parade.

Some people don't care for parades. I'm one of them. It's not the actual parade, mind you, but rather an irrefutable human fact.

If we've learned anything about ourselves as a species, it's that stupidity grows exponentially with crowds. The bigger the crowd, the lower the collective IQ.

Wait, it gets worse. There's no crowd so big that certain special people won't further reduce the cumulative IQ simply by showing up on their own. I know. I've been that person.

If you don't want to be that person the night before the parade, please pay attention to this quick rundown of Salt Lake City's Public Parade Regulations:

It's OK if you don't want to know what they are right now. The police will come by the night before and ask/tell you to abide by them.

For example, if you've pitched a tent in the driveway of someone who doesn't want you to be there, the cops will order you to take it away. If you throw a fit about it, they'll take you away.

Being arrested for this is just one more example of what some may call increasing hobnailed fascism in America, and what the rest of us actually call "America's Dumbest Criminals."

There's one IMPORTANT change to this year's parade route regulations. They will be enforced after 6 p.m. this year instead of 8 p.m. That's two whole hours sooner that you'll find out where you shouldn't have parked your *&$@% motorhome.

The route is the same, though: starts at South Temple and State Street, then runs east to 200 East, then turns south to 900 South, where it turns east to 600 East (Liberty Park).

Beginning at 6 p.m. Thursday evening:

1. "No person may reserve a space for anyone other than himself or herself." This means no mass place saving of public property with blankets, ropes, tents, awnings, barbed wire, etc. If you're going to reserve a spot overnight, your ass has to actually be in it.

2. "No person shall obstruct public sidewalks …" You can't plant yourself in just any old spot along the route. People still have to be able to get through.

3. "No person shall place, erect, use or employ any tent or other enclosed shelters, including vehicles or trailers, on public property along the route" at any time. This includes ice fishing huts, igloos, yurts, hogans, wickiups, cardboard box forts and cubicles.

4. "No person shall park a motor vehicle, or trailer or tent trailer on the streets designated by the city" as the parade route. Any vehicles found there after 6 p.m. will be deemed a public nuisance and dumped in the Great Salt Lake at the owners' expense.

5. "All dogs, except for service animals and dogs who are actually part of the authorized commercially related special event or free expression activity, shall be prohibited on public property along the route." If your dog isn't in the parade, leave it at home.

6. " 'Service animals' referred to in this subsection shall mean any dog specially trained to accompany the blind, visually handicapped, hearing impaired or otherwise physically disabled person." Dogs whose sole form of service is to provide an insecure owner something to baby talk and coo at will not be allowed.

Those are just the highlights of parade route regulations. To find out more, spend the evening along the parade route, do whatever you feel like, and see what enforcement officers have to say about it.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley.