This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2015, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

In addition to being highly attractive, my wife possesses a fine intellect, good taste and civic obligation. It's not entirely her fault that she's married to a guy who has none of these traits.

Case in point, the pile of about 200 bowling balls in our backyard. She hates it. But add to that the 50 or so at Sonny's house, it's almost enough to last the entire summer provided we shoot them wisely.

This brings us to today's column on safety. Many of you may scoff. Getting safety advice from me is like getting home decor tips from an incontinent gorilla. I don't blame you. Everything I know about safety was learned the hard way.

However, Sonny's leg and my arm are almost better. More to the point, May 1 is the official start of Backyard Artillery Research Firing (BARF) season.

This year we will continue our efforts to be the first scientific team to put a bowling ball into orbit. Around the sun. Without going to jail. Or killing anyone more or less important.

However, our biggest concern is starting a wildfire, especially one big enough to burn much of Utah and parts of Colorado. We definitely do NOT want to do that.

It's a legitimate concern, given how much fire is involved in bowling ball research. In the accompanying photo taken while we were conducting important durability tests of major appliances, you can see how much.

Sonny and I worry a lot about fire. This is particularly true of our favorite gunnery range — Tavaputs Ranch. It's wide open, remote, relatively unpopulated and, until we arrive, quiet.

As a working cow ranch, Tavaputs Ranch relies heavily on its grass to feed cows, which in turn feed us (and sometimes bears).

Were we even accidentally to cause a range fire at the ranch, we would be roped, branded, neutered and strung-up by real cowboys within seconds. Some of that stuff probably hurts a lot, so fire safety is paramount.

But even the rest of Utah is important enough to not set on fire. If you don't believe an admitted liar, consider that everyone with any degree of official integrity says so. This paper even ran a story about it.

The story, which is so important that at least two government agencies sent me the link in cautionary (semi-threatening) emails, says this year is no time for idiots and matches.

I point this out because it's a matter that seems to escape some people every fire season. A perfect example is last Monday's fire in Grand County.

When a 25-year-old man got his vehicle stuck, he set a fire to signal for help. It worked. Help arrived and fought a fire that burned 40 acres of old growth cottonwood trees and injured a firefighter. Help then took the man to jail for arson.

This is exactly the kind of thing conscious fire safety is meant to avoid. But it's something that happens every year. Just about anything can start a fire if you are not paying attention.

Fireworks, matches, catalytic converters, barbecue pits, cow flatulence, sparklers, cigarettes, Dutch oven cooking, and burning bugs with a magnifying glass are just some of the innocent ways of causing a major conflagration.

Yeah, OK, and cannons, too.

Fire danger is high this year, people. Please be careful. Summer is also supposed to be a time for fun. You don't want to miss any of it because you were in court, locked up, and/or hanged.

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley. Find his past columns at http://www.sltrib.com/lifestyle/kirby