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I use a lot of rental vehicles for business. Despite my acknowledged incompetence, I have never wrecked one. I've certainly never set one on fire. Not that I know of.
A Long Island, N.Y., man can't say that. Last week, Scott Kemery partially cooked himself when he found bedbugs in his rental car. He poured alcohol over the bugs, then got back in the car and lit a cigarette.
The explosion was large enough to damage two other cars nearby. Kemery managed to escape with no hair and severe burns. The bedbugs … not so lucky.
Bedbugs aren't the weirdest things found in rental cars. Whenever I pick mine up or return them, I always ask the agents what're the craziest things they've ever found in a returned rental car? I've kept a running list.
Corpse in the trunk (Utah). 100,000 bucks in cash (L.A.). A puppy (San Francisco). A prosthetic leg (Las Vegas). Tarantula (Phoenix). Unconscious female escort (D.C.). Human afterbirth (Miami). Dead eagle (Denver). Really pissed off squirrel (Dallas).
I must lead a boring life. The only things I ever left in a rental car were sunglasses and a Dixie Gun Works catalogue I wasn't finished perusing.
I'm not interested in hearing about the weirdest parts of only rental car agents' jobs. Lots of people with seemingly innocuous jobs have surprisingly interesting stories.
I ask the housekeeping people in hotels about the condition of rooms. According to the maids, the worst people to clean up after are (in descending order): Other women. Church groups. College kids. TV media.
The worst things they have found in rooms are: Dead bodies (Las Vegas, Denver, D.C., Park City). Dead pets (L.A., San Francisco, Boise). Human finger (Chicago). $25,000 in cash (Houston). Inflatable sex doll in Amish dress (Seattle). Live piglet (Reno).
Restaurant servers see some really strange stuff. They're often hesitant to talk about it with other customers around, but once they find out you tip well they'll open up. I've heard about:
Woman who threw a plate of food at her boyfriend because he screwed up the words to a wedding proposal that she wrote for him to read to her (Salt Lake City). Customer who didn't tip because he died in the restroom (Las Vegas). Guy who shot his friend during an argument over a toothpick in a sports bar (Las Vegas).
Cab drivers. I have too many of those stories. The best/worst one was a Richmond cabbie who was given a hundred bucks to deliver a fare to an address. Before he could refuse, a screaming baby was dumped in his backseat and the person walked away. He took the baby to the police station.
There are other people with ordinary jobs who have their own memorable moments — plumbers, veterinarians, grocery clerks, receptionists, traffic flaggers, cab drivers, etc.
And there are even people whom I never ask about their jobs. I've either handled or BEEN the memorable moments they've experienced — cops, nurses, editors, clergy and paramedics, to name just a few.
It's sometimes a touchy subject. Some job-related experiences you really don't want to hear about. I wish a flight attendant hadn't told me about her scariest job moment.
Finally, there are people who had crazy/bad/stupid job experiences they definitely don't want to talk about. If you press the matter, you could end up being the next one.
Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley. Find his past columns at http://www.sltrib.com/lifestyle/kirby