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I have not yet been tapped to speak at LDS General Conference this weekend. A lack of formal invitation hasn't stopped me from preparing for the possibility.

It would probably happen like this. I'd be home kicked back in my chair with a bag of sunflower seeds and watching reruns of "Dexter." The phone would ring (solemnly), and on the other end I would hear the familiar voice of Elder [Pick one].

Him: "Brother Kirby, the Lord would have you speak during the closing session of the 185th Annual General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter—."

Me: "Excuse me, sir. I know which church it is."

Ridiculous as this sounds, don't automatically dismiss the possibility. Anyone who has studied the scriptures for five minutes knows that big surprises — particularly really unpleasant ones — are God's specialty.

Lots of people would like a chance to address the entire LDS Church. Mercifully, most of them have to stick to the Internet. It's easy to ignore them by just reading something else.

But a formal invitation to speak from the center of Zion is a whole other matter. Most Mormons would feel obligated to listen to me regardless of how much they wished I were dead. We're that kind of church.

Anyway, if it came to pass, the best scenario would be that I were assigned a topic for my remarks — tithing, love one another, follow the brethren, reverence, keeping the Sabbath day holy, etc.

Even though I have a miserable track record with those subjects, I could still cobble together a conference address that would pass muster.

Since I can't even speak in my LDS ward without first undergoing a polygraph examination and posting a large bond, I would have to submit my conference remarks for pre-approval.

Fortunately, I'm already accustomed to this type of control from editors, employers and my wife. Nothing good can come from something that isn't … well, good.

Me: "OK, here's revision #581.3 See if this works. 'As the scriptures teach us, brothers and sisters, traditional marriage has consisted of a man and a woman, sometimes in the form of handmaidens, concubines, courtesans, slaves, etc.' "

Conference Correlation Committee: "Not even close. We can get better stuff from the zoo. Try it again."

In the worst case scenario, the nature of my conference remarks would be left entirely up to me and the Holy Spirit. Nobody would know what I was going to say until the words appeared on the teleprompter.

Just in case this happens, I've been working on a talk about the very nature of God's sense of humor.

Lots has been said about the various personal characteristics of the Creator of Heaven and Earth. He's jealous, vengeful, angry, disapproving and not at all above exterminating everyone who gets on his nerves.

But one of the singular things about the scriptures is there is no mention of our creator ever having a light-hearted moment, no sign that he even knows how to laugh.

It's inferred but never directly attributed, almost as if a sense of humor is the least of our creator's attributes when it ought to be one of the best.

We'll know if it works when general conference gets going. Watch for me. I'll be the speaker in a denim suit.

"I stand before you this afternoon, brothers and sisters, to relate to you a spiritual experience. A frog, a heretic, and Heavenly Father walk into a McDonald's …"

Robert Kirby can be reached at rkirby@sltrib.com or facebook.com/stillnotpatbagley. Find his past columns at http://www.sltrib.com/lifestyle/kirby