This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2014, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

It's been six weeks since the Spirit prompted the bishop to call me to be a nursery worker in my LDS ward. During that time no kids have been injured by me or my nursery co-worker Luke Talley.

We are pleased to report that the majority of the kids no longer cry when they get dropped off. Luke and I have managed to convince them that church doesn't have to be entirely boring.

It's the best church job I've ever had, including a full-time mission, two bishoprics, elders quorum president, Young Men's counselor, assistant scoutmaster, substitute seminary teacher, building coordinator and undercover Relief Society agent.

There are things about the nursery that I still don't care for — and all of them are the adults who come by and peer through the windows in the nursery doors to see how the ward grouch is coping with a dozen snot trolls.

Part of it is incredulity that someone like me would voluntarily be in there. The rest is simple morbid curiosity that perhaps they'll see me eating one of the kids.

"I can't believe you agreed to go in there," said one ward member. "You don't seem like the type."

Personally, I don't understand why I didn't volunteer long before now.

A church nursery is the perfect place for a guy raised on the hardcore doctrine of indifference.

See, church nursery is entirely about fundamentals. Nothing else. Nobody in nursery — especially me — cares about the precise minutia of keeping the Sabbath day holy, what a cubit is, or where Zarahemla might be located. Everything is on a level I appreciate.

In the nursery, the gospel plan sticks to the basics. Here they are:

KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. Religion is violent enough without punching someone over a Big Bird doll, or biting them because you don't agree with taking turns. If you can't love them, at least don't choke them.

TELL THE TRUTH: Don't claim you had something first when we both know damn well that you didn't. Also, everyone will be much happier if you freely admit having a load in your pants.

FIND YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD: If you're bored, you don't have to pay attention. Stare off into space. Mumble to yourself. Hell, go to sleep. We don't care and won't think the less of you for it.

BE HEALTHY: Who cares about alcohol and tobacco? It's more important to know now many Nilla Wafers can you eat before throwing them up on the carpet.

USE THE COMMON SENSE GOD GAVE YOU: Don't pray for world peace. You aren't going to get it. Pray for something infinitely more likely. So far "bless that Bro. Kirby won't bite us" is the best one yet.

THE GOSPEL SHOULD ALWAYS INCLUDE SNACKS: It's amazing what you can sit still for with enough carbohydrates. The most boring Sunday school lesson in the world can always be improved with cookies.

I've gotten attached to some of the kids in our short time together. Sadly, in just a couple of weeks we'll be releasing half a dozen of them into the general Primary population. I hope I don't cry.

Find The Essential Kirby Canon at Zion Bookworks, http://www.zionbookworks.com/new-from-robert-kirby.