It must have been a parent - frazzled by the ghoulish greed of otherwise well-behaved offspring - who uttered these cynical aphorisms. Or maybe it was a teacher anticipating a morning-after class of grumpy students who stayed up too late the night before. Or maybe it was a pediatrician, worried about the obesity epidemic, or a dentist about cavities.

If you're any of those people, take small consolation in the idea that it's possible to make Halloween a bit healthier for kids, and, consequently, happier for you.

What to eat: Let's break the sugar-hyperactive link immediately. Desperate parents probably have held on to that as a way of explaining that their otherwise angelic offsprings' suddenly obnoxious behavior is an aberration, due to large ingestions of birthday cake or soda pop, and not their natural temperament. It's easier to withhold sweets, in other words, than practice behavior modification or positive discipline. In fact, no link between sugar and hyperactivity has been found. "It won't hurt anybody to limit their sugar," says Mina Dulcan, head of child and adolescent psychiatry at Children's Memorial Hospital in Chicago, "but it won't help their behavior."

Sugar is still bad for kids. Large quantities of it make them fat and rot their teeth. But there are ways to minimize the damage done in both categories by Halloween.

According to Yahoo! Buzz statistics, candy corn, which is made of sugar, corn syrup, and confectioner's glaze, is the most popular treat, followed by Jelly Bellies, Snickers, Skittles, and so on. Sales of these goodies amounted to $2.1 billion on Halloween 2005.

Merilee Kern, founder of HealthyKidsCatalog.com, suggests substituting small packages of fruit Newtons, junior mints or sugar-free gum for high-sugar, high-calorie candies. Or even non-food items such as inexpensive jacks, pencils, stickers and trading cards.

Soft, gel-like candies are high in sugar but low in fat, calories and cholesterol, says Kern. Gumdrops, jellybeans, Twizzlers, Gummy Bears and licorice have only 115 calories per ounce, for instance. Hard candies such as lollipops average about 20 calories each.

The average commercial chocolate bar contains about 20 percent high-fat cocoa butter, so a bagful of bite-sized bars is preferable to big ones. A Mars bar is better for you than a Mounds bar because Mounds are full of bad-for-you saturated fat (almost as much as a Quarter Pounder with Cheese). Milky Way Lite, York Peppermint Pattie and Hershey's Sweet Escapes have fewer calories than Baby Ruth, Nutrageous and Snickers. Not to worry - chocolate has a limited amount of caffeine.

Here's the bad news: Dentists like chocolate candy because it easily washes off the teeth. But not hard or sticky candies, which stay in the grooves or cause damage.

"Taffy is the worst," says Salt Lake pediatric dentist Jeff Burg. "It can pull out dental work. Hard candy can chip teeth and break dental work."

Cavities are caused by prolonged contact with the acid that sugar creates, says Burg, so pass out candy every other day or so. For the same reason, it's also better to eat it at mealtimes, when the acid is mixed with other foods and saliva, or to chew sugar-free gum after a meal. The most important factor is simply brushing and flossing before bed every night, but especially on Halloween.

When to eat it: Should you allow your kids to eat all the candy they want, whenever they want? Should Halloween be an all-you-can-eat night, with what's left over doled out later? Should you confiscate the entire booty - because you're the Parent, that's why - and mete it out until it's gone? Or until YOU think they've had enough, at which point you toss the rest? How about sorting the loot into one pile of what they like and one into a family bowl? How about a walk around the block after supper, to burn off every calorie they've consumed during the day?

These questions have haunted parents for generations. Before we answer them, consider that the average take of an 8-year-old on Halloween amounts to about 10 mini-chocolate bars, 10 small bags of gel-type candy, six lollipops, some chewing gum, an apple and a bunch of stuff they won't eat because they don't like it. This adds up to roughly 2,500 calories. What will it hurt for them to eat, say, a third of it in one sitting?

A survey of 1200 kids by KidsHealth.org, says it does. The poll reveals that kids do get tummy aches, and the researchers do want parents to limit consumption.

Ultimately, just do what you think best for your family. No matter what plan you choose, remember that even ghosties who were allowed to gobble to their tummies' content have lived to gobble again, Halloween after Halloween after Halloween.

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* JANE GRAU can be contacted at jgrau@sltrib.com or 801-257-8694. Send comments about this story to livingeditor@sltrib.com.

The good, the bad, and the sticky

Some experts say parents should try and steer their trick-or-treaters toward soft, gel-like candies that are low in fat, calories and cholesterol. Many dentists, on the other hand, prefer chocolate because it washes easier off the teeth, unlike sticky candies that stay in grooves or hard candies that can do damage.

SOME COMPARISONS:

* Gumdrops, jellybeans, Twizzlers, Gummy Bears and licorice have 115 calories per ounce. Hard candies such as lollipops average about 20 calories each.

* The average commercial chocolate bar contains about 20 percent high-fat cocoa butter, so a bagful of bite-sized bars is preferable to big ones. A Mars bar is better for you than a Mounds bar because Mounds are full of saturated fat. Milky Way Lite, York Peppermint Pattie and Hershey's Sweet Escapes have fewer calories than Baby Ruth, Nutrageous and Snickers.

A BREAKDOWN

* A 47-gram Hershey's KitKat candy bar is 240 calories, a 1-ounce package of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish is 140 calories, a 28-gram bag of Oreo Thin Crisps is 100 calories and a 27-gram granola bar is 90 calories. A cup of raisins is 493 calories, an apple 65.

Sources: fun.familyeducation.com, calorie-count.com