In my dream, the attractive Amazons who had captured me suddenly stopped making carnal threats and instead pounded two muskrats up my nostrils. I chain-sneezed until dawn.

It happens like this every year. Not the Amazon part. Once it was the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. No, I mean the part where my sinus slams shut and my nose starts drooling like a hound dog at the dinner table.

In one moment life is good. It's spring. The sun is out. But then somewhere a plant has sex and life becomes intolerable. Within minutes my face is an open wound, my eyeballs poached in Tabasco sauce.

Logically, I understand there are worse ailments to have. Cancer, leprosy, the plague and even federal audits have been known to cause death. What makes hay fever so bad is that it doesn't.

Some relief is available. And by this I don't mean charging your sinuses with Freon. That's against the law. I'm talking about medication.

Many allergy sufferers are at this very moment laughing through mucus. Depending on what a person is allergic too, medication can be a really poor joke.

I have never been able to find a medication that completely alleviated my allergy symptoms. Claritin, Singulair, Flo-nase, I've tried them all. The only one that ever really worked was Stolichnaya. It's a Russia vodka. Take as needed until you pass out.

The first part in fighting seasonal allergies is to find what you're allergic to. It could be anything. If you're dying right now like me, it's probably elm.

Doctors say that if you know what you're allergic to, you can try and avoid it by remaining indoors. Advice like this should require jail time.

I prefer my own ways of coping. Eyedrops are nice, but I have achieved superior results by pushing ice cubes under my eyelids.

Do not spend big money on professional grade sinus-scratchers. Make your own out of coat hangers and boat hooks.

If you could avoid pollen in the first place, you wouldn't have to worry. Unfortunately, pollen is almost as small as the public conscience. Don't waste your time.

Some people wear pollen masks. Forget it. The only way to avoid inhaling pollen is to encase your head in Vaseline and learn to breath through your navel.

The worst part of allergies for me is snot. Sorry. When you're manufacturing your weight in phlegm every hour, there's really no point in being polite about it.

When the sneezing is all spread and done, there's really only way to spell allergy relief: W-I-N-T-E-R.

rkirby@sltrib.com.