Currently, only Vice President Dick Cheney, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Senate President Robert Byrd and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice are in the way. And I can beat up all of them.

As near as I can tell, Treasury Secretary is a bipartisan gig. Party affiliation isn't really necessary because all you do is hand out money. And not your own money, either.

For example, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson recently got a call from the White House. Don't ask me how I know these things, but it went exactly like this:

"Hank, it's me."

"It's 3 a.m. for God's . . ."

"Sorry about that, buddy. Hey, listen, I need you to fire up the press and run me off about 800 billion bucks. Before you say anything, I know Congress only voted 700, but nobody is going to notice a little extra. There's a war and everything."

See? A cheese log could do this job. A cheese log has been doing it. The country needs me. I'm a fiscal conservative. I don't spend money I don't have. I wouldn't spend yours if you didn't have it, either.

Here's how spending is supposed to work. If I want something, I go upstairs and look in my sock drawer. If there's enough money (and it's American), I buy it. If there's not, I don't.

The closest I come to deficit spending is to look in my truck. I try to keep at least two bucks in the ash tray for parking or an emergency doughnut. If what I want is a bigger emergency than that, I dip into this fund.

What I never do is print more money. It's illegal and, in my case, would fool exactly no one. Seriously, try drawing a picture of money and see how far that gets you at 7-Eleven.

I never write a check, either, because - and this is important - I have no idea where the checkbook is. My wife keeps it. The last time I touched it I didn't see stars. I saw the entire %&#@! universe.

This is called "living within one's means," something America hasn't done in - well, ever. America is so far in debt that we don't own the nuclear weapons we have pointed at the people we borrowed money from to get them.

You're probably wondering about my qualifications. That's fair. If you read my column, you've probably figured out that I can't even be trusted around traffic. I'm a buckethead.

But I'm a married buckethead with a FICO score of 901. That means even people who wish I were dead would be willing to loan me money.

I have this score because of my wife. If it wasn't for her, I could have a million dollars and my FICO score would still be four and I'd be in prison. This is important to know. If I am appointed Secretary of the Treasury (and I hereby accept), I will bring her to Washington with me.

After 33 years of marriage, I know about spending. I know who I answer to. And that person knows about conspiracies. When the phone rings in the middle of the night now, she makes me hang up on whoever it is.

rkirby@sltrib.com