Independence Rock, Wyo. - I'm somewhere in Wyoming dressed in realistic Mormon pioneer garb: hat, suspenders, shirt, clodhoppers and a layer of sweat.

Dressing like a pioneer was one of the prerequisites for tagging along with Sandy Canyon View Stake on its Mormon handcart trek re-enactment. The dress code for wandering aimlessly in the desert turned out to be stricter than the one for sitting in church.

We were given a list of forbidden trek fashions: no blue

jeans, baseball caps, Grateful Dead T-shirts, bikinis, parachute pants, surfer shorts, etc. Participants were asked to carefully attire themselves in the manner of their stalwart ancestors.

A certain amount of realism is important in any re-enactment. If pioneer dress was called for, I would strive to give them exactly that.

I shopped around for a granny dress, bonnet, apron and brogans, but none in my size could be found. Apparently even your really stalwart Mormon pioneer women weren't as stalwart as me.

Most illustrations of pioneers show guys sporting enough facial hair to stuff mattresses, so I tried growing a beard. After two weeks I looked like a badly radiated gorilla. I shaved it off but kept the usual mustache. My upper lip hasn't seen sunlight in 30 years.

Rounding up the necessary clothing took some work. I don't have suspenders or pioneer shirts just hanging in my closet. The farthest back my wardrobe extends is to the disco era.

Fortunately, once word got out that I was going on the trek, tips from past trekkers poured in. They directed me to Western clothing stores, Deseret Industries, military surplus outlets and even Dumpsters.

I found a hat immediately. It looks very pioneer-ish. Unfortunately, it's also 100 percent wool. I wore it on a long afternoon walk last week. It certainly blocked the sun but kept me no cooler than if I had sewn a brim around a yak.

Shirt and trousers were easy. I found them in a second-hand store. The shirt previously belonged to a member of a mariachi band, but it was OK once I cut the sequins off. The pants appear to be ex-Ukrainian army issue.

I also heard from historical purists, or people commonly referred to as "deranged." One told me I should avoid any clothing with snaps, zippers, plastic buttons, Velcro and collars. None of these items were invented in 1856.

Another historical anal-yst said I wouldn't get the full trek experience unless I treated the re-enactment as a "re-exactment."

When asked about the Dr. Scholl's Massaging Gel inserts I planned to put in my boots, his response was a scathing list of things the Mormon pioneers did without in order to cross the plains - air mattresses, foot powder, Pepto-Bismol, sunscreen, insect repellent, etc.

Know what else the Mormon pioneers did without while crossing the plains? Temperance. The Word of Wisdom didn't become serious LDS Church policy until long after Zion was settled.

So, if I couldn't bring Dr. Scholl along because he wasn't historically accurate, I was bringing Captain Morgan and Jose Cuervo.

Fortunately, the people in charge of this trek have much better hats. Cooler heads pointed out that the trek experience is supposed to be faithful to history within reason.

I wish they told me that before I cut the zipper out of these pants.

rkirby@sltrib.com

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Read "Road Rash," Robert Kirby's blog from the Mormon trek, at

blogs.sltrib.com/kirby