She has received two thank-you notes.

"At first I worried that the gifts had not been received," she said. Tactful inquiry - "Did your daughter/son receive our wedding gift?" - alleviated at least one concern. The parties had received the gifts.

"Now, I am annoyed the gifts have not been acknowledged," the Salt Lake City woman said.

Let those who are writing thank-you notes for Christmas or the first night of Hanukkah gifts be the first to say, "How rude."

The rest of us should get busy.

"Expressing gratitude for someone's thoughtful gift is [your] gift to the giver," said Thomas Farley, a senior editor at Town & Country magazine who oversees the "Social Graces" column.

While newlyweds cannot be excused from sending handwritten thank-you notes, he cuts them a little slack by saying that taking up to three months is not unreasonable for a large wedding with many gifts.

"But with a special present for a holiday or a birthday, we counsel people to get the thank-you note out within 24 hours."

In the days of etiquette de rigueur dished by Amy Vanderbilt and Emily Post, a promptly handwritten thank-you note was a given. It remains a hallmark of good manners and can be a lifetime survival skill in the workplace.

Learning the gift-getting bargain: Farley acknowledges that rules are a bit more relaxed today, which is good and bad.

"Some 50 years ago, you understood what was expected," said Farley, who is also editor of Modern Manners. "Today, things are more flexible."

He goes so far as to make a distinction between "etiquette" and "good manners."

"Etiquette has come to mean a set of rules, generally in a dusty book on your bookshelf, where you can find out where to seat the Queen of Sheba when she comes to dinner.

"Manners are more about being considerate, being mindful of how your behavior affects those around you every day."

Margaret Roach, editorial director for Martha Stewart Living, agrees on learning the importance of written expressions of gratitude. And at an early age.

"Generally speaking, any gift response should be a written thank-you note. It is a domestic art, one of the social arts," she said.

She acknowledges that an exception would be with close family members, where a hug and verbal thank you are immediate and rewarding.

"Still, it never is too early to teach your children by example. Thanking people for a gift is a basic part of giving and receiving. As soon as a child can print a name, or draw something on a card, he learns it is part of the [gift-getting] bargain," Roach said.

Farley, too, believes manners begin at home.

"Thanks for gifts sent by out-of-town relatives can be given by telephone, but a written note should follow. And, if the gift is money, then the child's thank-you note should say how it will be enjoyed," Farley said, adding, "Phone calls and e-mails are not posted on the refrigerator or on the message board."

Still, the experts urge any note is better than none, and it's never too late to send one. Ask Pasmann.

"I would be happy," she said, "to get an acknowledgment."

Tool for success: Thank-you cards are especially important after a job interview.

"It must be prompt," said Julie Swaner, program manager at University of Utah Alumni Career Services. "If you wait a week, the job probably will be filled. You come home, get out your cards and write. The human resources people appreciate it and expect it."

Swaner is loathe to say e-mail is OK, but she does.

Using "nice notepaper is the best way to do it. But an e-mail is acceptable," she said.

The reasons for the note extend beyond being polite.

"It gives you a chance to say, after the interview, 'I would really love to work for your company.' And, surprise, even if you don't want this job, it gives you the chance to say that you enjoyed the interview and it was worthwhile," Swaner said.

Roach said a thank-you note for a personal job interview is expected.

"We understand that time is short," she said. "Sometimes all you can manage is a voice-mail message or an e-mail. But one of our recruiters is so impressed by a handwritten note that he puts it on a message board. He says it makes him take an extra look at the applicant."

Martha Stewart herself even made thank-you notes a hallmark of her "Apprentice" spinoff that ended last week. Frank, yes, sometimes testy, Stewart had the notepaper out before the door closed on the hapless apprentice-not-to-be.

Farley is equally impressed with thank-you notes in the workplace.

"Once in a while, someone will take the time to write a thank-you note immediately after the interview and hand-deliver it to the office," he said.

"As an employer, it knocks my socks off."

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Contact Judy Magid at magid@sltrib.com or 801-257-8606. Send comments to livingeditor@sltrib.com.

THE BASICS OF THANK-YOU NOTES

When to write

* Weddings: Up to three months for a large wedding with many gifts.

* Birthday present, other special gift: Within 24 hours is best.

* Job interviews: When you get home from the interview. Wait a week, and the job probably will be filled.

Tips

* Buy a box of plain note cards and envelopes to cover all occasions.

* Promptly write thank-you notes.

* Hand-write thank-you notes as legibly as possible.

* Know what you are going to write before you actually put pen to card. Practice on a sheet of scratch paper.

* Make an error on the card? Martha Stewart Living editorial director Margaret Roach has been known to "scratch out" a small error. You may, too.

* Always mention the gift. Do not mention that you returned it.

* Write as if you were speaking to the person.

* Generic letters - "Thank you for the lovely gift" - never are worth reading. On the other hand, the giver knows you received it.

* Mail it now.

* It never is too late to say "Thank you."

- Sources: Thomas Farley

and Margaret Roach

Excuses, excuses

OK. All right. Fine. Life happens.

What if:

* You keep forgetting to buy cards.

* Your handwriting/printing is terrible.

* You do not know what to write.

* You procrastinate until it is too late to send a card.

* Bride and groom agree to share thank-you note writing and one does not follow through.

* What about a phone call or an e-mail thank-you message?

Experts say the first four excuses will not fly. And no one cares whether it's the bride or the groom who fell down on the job. As a couple, they flunk social graces 101. Calling or sending an e-mail is OK as a last resort, to acknowledge receiving the gift.