The dress code where I work is relatively liberal. Professional attire here is expected to be functional, tolerably clean, and most importantly, comfortable.

I'm not talking about the newsroom. The Tribune 's dress code borders on fascism. Editors make you wear pants and everything. Here's an excerpt from our "professional standards:

"Whenever possible, employees should dress in a manner normally associated with a keeping their bottoms entirely covered."

Fortunately, I work at home. In fact, I am hard at work right now attired in the manner of newspaper columnists everywhere -- a ratty T-shirt and Scooby Doo underpants.

It hasn't always been this casual. My career path has wandered in and out of various levels of mandated attire, everything from a business suit to steel-toed boots.

The most despised was the suit. Maybe it's just me but something about a deliberately matched coat, vest and pants fairly screams insincerity.

The most uncomfortable dress codes I ever endured were the gun and body armor ensemble I wore for years, the one requiring a parachute harness, and the muskrat suit I wore for a week at a grand opening.

Today, I count myself lucky that I can earn a living wearing whatever I want. Unless my wife and/or boss insist, I can ignore such dress as "boardroom" and even "business casual."

Incidentally, "business casual" is confusing. Wouldn't it depend on the business? What if you're

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a pimp?

I count myself lucky that I don't have to wear a necktie. In the modern world of men's fashion, there is no more ridiculous accessory than a yard of overpriced material knotted about one's neck.

I can only think of one purpose a necktie serves. It identifies a particular type of person -- in short, someone who will do whatever they're told.

Much as I hate them, I can't always get out of wearing a necktie. I get invited to events wherein they're expected -- "coat and tie" and "black tie."

Once, when an invitation stipulated the mandatory wearing of a necktie, I tied it around my head as a sweatband. Hey, it only said I had to wear one.

When it comes to workplace dress, I'm far more comfortable attired in a manner referred to in the fashion industry as "relaxed lout."

Relaxed lout--also known as "dress for mess" -- is heavy into sports jerseys, busted out jeans, hats, T-shirts, sweats, and optional socks. If you need to bump it up a notch, add a bandana. It's better than blowing your nose on a necktie.

This is how most men would dress for work if they could, including CEOs, executives, diplomats, heads of state and religious leaders. Frankly, the world would be a better place if they did.

E-mail Robert Kirby at rkirby@sltrib.com.