In her four-week course that began earlier this month, Anne Collier-Freed offers the opposite message - that it is a sin for women not to use their other talents in addition to mothering, that the practice of parenting can involve women in the world in redeeming ways and that children need mentoring by communities, not just individual parents. Rather than helping families, she suggests, some Christian churches add to their burden by heaping on false expectations about raising up perfectly tutored spiritual giants.
Such wrong-headed ideas about parenting come from American cultural ideals about motherhood and individuality, not from the Bible, Collier-Freed says. "Children are a gift from God, not a product to be molded."
Collier-Freed drew some of her ideas for the class from Carla Barnhill's 2004 The Myth of the Perfect Mother: Rethinking the Spirituality of Women.
Barnhill, former editor of Christian Parenting Today, decided to write her book after reading the sad tale of Andrea Yates, a Texas Christian who drowned her five children in 2001. Yates, struggling with postpartum depression and psychosis, tried to do everything right but believed the devil had a powerful hold on her and that her children were doomed to hell because of her.
Though she was mentally ill, Yates' perception of what the church expected of her was not that different from those espoused by some conservative Christians today.
The Evangelical Christian version of Superwoman, Barnhill said in a Christianity Today interview, "never looks frazzled, has well-behaved children, has a clean house, and makes the best casserole at the church potluck. She teaches Sunday school and plans lively family devotions. She never seems to doubt herself or her parenting abilities. She loves her life and never, ever dreams of running away from home."
That image is not only damaging to women who are desperately trying to do right by their children; it's also a perversion of basic Christian belief, Barnhill writes in her book. "It's incredibly arrogant for us to believe that our human action is necessary for God to act in the lives of our children."
In such a view, there is no need for Jesus.
"If it were possible for 'good' parenting to keep children on the straight and narrow," she writes, "there would be far fewer heartbroken mothers and fathers in our churches."
Though still young, Collier-Freed has obvious parenting credentials. She is the mother of 4-year-old Mereille and 14-month-old triplets, Bennett, Isaac and Jeremie. But she is also well-schooled in theology, earning a doctorate from Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, Calif. She and her husband, Darryl, moved from California to Centerville about a year ago and attend Community of Grace Presbyterian Church in Sandy.
In the class, she hopes to show students how to choose the life stories they want to emulate for themselves and their children. Will their daughters yearn to be Disney princesses or find alternative narratives? Does their church community celebrate all the contributions of women or just mothering? What stories of spirituality are shared from the pulpit?
Christian practices can help with these issues of parenting.
Collier-Freed points to the Las Posadas tradition among Latino churches. It is an annual re-creation of the biblical story of Joseph and Mary being turned away at place after place with the words "No room at the inn." Youngsters go from house to house, knocking on doors, until they arrive at their destination, where the innkeeper welcomes them.
"This is a strong story of hospitality for Latino immigrants," she says. "They experience the sense of being rejected, then welcomed. They, in turn, use the story to learn how to welcome others."
As a young girl, Collier-Freed and her siblings re-enacted their own version of the Christmas nativity of Jesus, taking the part of Mary, Joseph, shepherds, angels and the innkeeper. But after her parents divorced, the kids didn't feel welcome at some of the churches they attended.
"The church wasn't living out its story," she says.
Church should be a place where people can talk about parenting, where they can encourage one another to practice their faith and support each other in their choices.
At her Mennonite church in California, a pregnant woman discovered that the child she was carrying had serious brain abnormalities and wouldn't live long after birth. As soon as they heard the news, members of the church offered gifts, food and weekly encouragement to be joyful in the midst of sorrow. They became participants in the experience.
That's what communities can do for one another. And it's clearly part of what God expects, she says. "We can collaborate to be God's people in the world for the children who really need us. Not only our own, but children who don't have adequate parenting or resources are in need of our care."
Mothering is not about following a formula that should work in every case. It requires prayer and adaptation and opening to spiritual promptings. It's as much for the parent's spiritual formation and transformation as for the children, Collier-Freed says. "God is parenting all of us."
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Contact Peggy Fletcher Stack at pstack@sltrib.com or 801-257-8725. Send comments about this article to religioneditor@sltrib.com.
