My church doesn't have much to say about the way I eat. It probably should. For breakfast this morning, I had a Diet Coke, a bowl of Cheerios and jalapenos and a puppy.

I'm kidding. No, seriously, that was just a -- Fine, here: "Kirby's editor, Salt Lake Tribune, 90 S. 400 West, SLC, UT, 84101."

For lunch, I'm thinking maybe a ham and Rolaids sandwich.

According to the LDS Church's health doctrine -- known as the Word of Wisdom -- the only dietary admonishment Mormons have is to eat meat "sparingly."

Like most Mormons, I heartily agree with this counsel whenever it comes up in a Sunday school lesson and I'm awake. The rest of the time I completely ignore it.

I've read the Word of Wisdom a bunch of times. It does not specifically say "verily, no quadruple meat, triple cheese, double bacon burgers with extra mayo." Look it up. D&C: Section 89.

You can even holler, "Could I please get that with two extra patties instead of a bun?" and not be breaking a commandment. God might kill you with a heart attack before you're out of the drive up lane, but the church won't say a thing.

When it comes to what actually constitutes meat, the Lord is every bit as vague as He is with the exact time church is supposed to start. The Word of Wisdom refers only to "fowls" and "beasts." No mention is made of bugs. Shrimp and lobster are fine.

Lately, I've been wondering about cutting back on my consumption of flesh. I'm no cannibal, but I'll never be a vegan either. I'm far too lazy to bother checking whether the chewing gum I just bought is made from rat lips.

But I could certainly lower my consumption of animals. I don't need to double up a cheeseburger. A second helping of puppy for breakfast is just gluttony. I definitely could stop using sliced bacon as Band-aids.

Cutting back would be a lot easier if it weren't for the holidays. Forget that sparingly stuff, we're entering serious animal product season. My wife is already defrosting a Thanksgiving turkey the size of a stake president.

You should see the size of our Christmas ham. No pig ever grew large enough to produce that one. Someone took a Norelco to a horse.

Holiday dinners are only part of the problem. There are family, church and business parties as well. These events feature all sorts of potentially unhealthy animal products like cheese, pate, deviled eggs, cocktail weenies, and annoying coworkers.

The trick to reducing my consumption of flesh and bringing myself more in line with the Word of Wisdom is to start out slowly. Sometime after New Year's should do it.

Robert Kirby is a columnist. Reach him at rkirby@sltrib.com