It's not just your regular prophets. Years ago, a concerned reader showed up at my house. When the visit didn't go as he planned, he stood at the end of the driveway and shouted that a barrel of wheat would soon be worth a barrel of gold.

On the off chance that he was right, I went downstairs and checked. According to his prophecy and my poor math, I had $31 million in my basement. Cool.

Don't ask for a loan yet. The guy also prophesied that I would soon get sick and die. Since I'm still alive, I have no idea what this did to gold and wheat futures.

But as the economy continues its slide into the sewer, I should probably see if my food storage is in order. The way things are going, I'll probably be eating all that surplus NATO ammunition next week.

Church advice on food storage has changed over the years. First it was a two-year supply of food, then a year, and eventually at least a few months or whatever. Seventy-two-hour emergency kits are also advised. Food storage tends to take on the personality of the owner and/or the time in which it was created. If, for example, your food storage began during the Vietnam era, you might have a lot of C rations in it.

A friend who is a fitness nut has an entire room filled with protein bars. Another who likes to barbecue has a year's supply of honey glaze.

One of my aunts loves to can. She has more than 7,000 Mason jars filled with everything from peaches to socks. Who the hell cans socks? The same person who has four emergency quart jars full of tongue depressors, that's who.

I inherited a lot of my food storage from my parents, who put it together when Communism was Satan's biggest threat to world stability. Consequently, the basis for my emergency preparedness is the threat of a nuclear attack.

In addition to $31 million worth of wheat, I have an old Civil Defense Geiger counter, a drum of military-grade burn salve, a waterproof copy of The Naked Communist, and a radiation suit my mom made in Relief Society from old oven mitts.

I'll have to sort through this stuff and update it to meet the changing needs of emergency survival. I probably won't need four pith helmets, a 5,000-gallon rubber fuel blivet, and a periscope. Today's crisis as I understand it is caused by bad credit. I'm going to need at least two Mason jars filled with credit cards.

rkirby@ sltrib.com