Dear Harriette: My best friend just got engaged and has launched into the plans for the big day. There are a few friends in our circle who are jockeying to be bridesmaids, and the bride is actually asking people to compete for spots in her bridal party. Whoever ''scores the highest'' will be the maid of honor, etc. I find this to be so crass and am not in the mood to compete with my friends, but I really want to stand with my friend on her special day. Would it be ''out of order'' for me just to ask to be in the wedding party since, by virtue of competing, the other girls are doing just that?

- Cyn, Houston

Dear Cyn: Tell your best friend that while you recognize she has a plan for how to select members of her bridal party, you are not comfortable participating in it. Tell her that you love her and you want to stand with her on her wedding day. Say that you intend to support her in her married life as you have in her single life. Make it clear that your intention is to be her friend always, but that your commitment is not to participate in what you consider to be a childish game. Let her decide the next move. To the best of your ability, don't allow your feelings to get hurt if she continues with her plan. Brides get caught up in ways that can be surprising. If she is your true friend, you can weather this difficult storm.

Dear Harriette: I disagree with Marcia's opinion about the woman who doesn't want to have sex with the man she loves. I can understand how this young man feels about the absence of sex in his relationship, but I hope he knows that, even though she won't have sex with him, it doesn't mean she doesn't love him. I am a 19-year-old girl, and I recently dated a guy three years older than me. I never had sex with him because I'm waiting for marriage. I'm not afraid of sex. I just feel that it's a responsibility I don't want yet. If the young man wants to have a relationship where sex is involved, he should go find one. Love doesn't always lead to sex; in the same way, sex doesn't always lead to love.

- Eve, New York

Dear Eve: Sex has become such an integral part of all intimate relationships that it feels unavoidable. Yet sexual relationships should be considered incredibly special, sacred even. Waiting to engage in sexual intercourse is a smart choice, in my estimation. Why? I believe that people should step back from their fast-beating hearts and figure out whether they are compatible and whether there is a reason to believe that they welcome sharing their lives. Sure, this may sound old-fashioned. I consider it wisely cautious. Don't give the gift of yourself away until you believe the recipient is worthy of this precious gift.

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* HARRIETTE COLE's column runs Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. E-mail her at askharriette@harriettecole.com.