When my granddaughter was 7 months old, I was visiting for a week and wanted to care for her. I received a two-page e-mail from my DIL outlining all the reasons that wouldn't happen - e.g., ''If I call the house and hear her crying, I'll have to leave work and come home"; and, ''My mother knows every single thing there is to know about her and you don't.''

I have only recently been permitted to watch the kids by myself, and only once permitted to drive them anywhere. On my last visit, I wanted to take them to breakfast. My DIL agreed, to my face. However, she badgered my son over the phone, raising such a stink about it that he called and asked me to cancel. I did.

I am sick to death of this control freak dictating my time with my grandchildren. My son is in the middle and always fights these situations when they occur. It means a lot to him for us to have a close relationship with his children. I'm at a loss.

- M.

Dear M. » Controlling people are dangerous, especially to children, because they block the flow of natural information to their victims - which then gives victims a distorted emotional view.

So, keep playing by those crazy-making rules, and keep chipping away at DIL's resistance. Visit more, not less. Summon otherworldly patience.

This is not to suggest, however, that you fashion yourself into a threadbare, grandmotherly doormat.You can take control of . . . well, your lack of control, by addressing it openly. Ahem:

''Of course you're protective, and feel more comfortable with your own mother, since she raised you and sees the children daily. However, I raised the man you chose to marry. I will work with you for as long as it takes to earn your trust.''

It may not look like a gauntlet, but that's the beauty of throwing it down.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.