Dear Harriette » My husband and I are polite, well-mannered people. We have an 8-year-old daughter who, to put it nicely, is just plain mean. She never greets anyone, always rolls her eyes, and generally acts as though she is too good to acknowledge people. I have no idea where this comes from, but I do not like it. I've tried punishments, but she seems not to care. The older she gets, the more I realize this just may be who she is, and it makes me ill to think she will live her life like this. I know you write about etiquette. How can I instill manners into my daughter when leading by example seems not to work?

- Fatima, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Dear Fatima » Wow. I have a few thoughts. Could it be that you and your husband follow manners so closely that your daughter feels stifled? I wonder if she feels confined within the world of rules. Do you talk to your daughter about the value of being kind to others? Children regularly ask questions - ''why?'' being the most famous one.

Your job remains to teach your daughter the ''why.'' If you can teach her to understand that there are always consequences to her actions, you will have triumphed. She must recognize that being rude has consequences, too. Continue to teach through example. Attempt to remain positive. That's the energy she needs to witness the most, even as you may be inclined to severe punishment.

Dear Harriette » My roommate and I buy groceries together in order to save money. The problem is that he's home more often than I, and he practically inhales every morsel of food. I often end up having to buy groceries again just to have food in the house - but, again, because we share food, he eats that up, too. I would hate to live in one of those situations where everyone writes their name on their purchases, but I'm overspending my money and never eating anything.

- Brandon, Princeton, N.J.

Dear Brandon » It's time to be direct. Your roommate may be accustomed to a mom who has provided for his every need. Now you are doing as much, but - whoa, there is a caveat - all the food isn't for him. You may need to get a small refrigerator for your room, so there's food left for you!

Harriette Cole's column runs Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.