Dear Harriette » I have been ''dating'' a man for about three years, and I recently gave birth to a child by him. I also found out that during the course of our ''courtship'' he was married to another woman and also had a child with her. I found out about the child the day I gave birth, the marriage the next week and the wife's pregnancy several weeks later. My child is a few weeks old, and the other child is 15 months. I did not know he was married or that he had another child until I gave birth last month. His wife is expecting another child any minute. He says he married her in January - I guess because now they will have two children together.

I am completely shamed and embarrassed by this whole messy situation. I do not want anything to do with this man. He has provided items for the baby, and he attended the birth. He says he will continue to support the baby but that he does not want me to take him to court for child-support payments to be taken from his paycheck. I loved this man but would have walked away had I known this. I am an educated woman who foolishly did not heed my family's advice - they thought he had too many secrets. Yes, I was blind to the signs, and now I am forever linked to him. I think he may be keeping me ''happy'' so that I don't take him to court for child support. I want to start over fresh; I am completely crushed and trying to pick up the pieces. I can't believe I am now a statistic. Please help!

- Adrienne, Marina del Rey, Calif.

Dear Adrienne » You should consult an attorney to find out how to handle this situation. Your baby's father has his reasons for not wanting you to take him to court. Humiliation is obviously one of them. His wife may not know that you exist. He may not make enough money to spread it all around.

These are his problems. You can't do anything about his deceptive actions or your blind choices. You don't need to be swayed by his entreaties for you not to seek legal security in your relationship. His wife has it. Why shouldn't you?

You must figure out and agree with him on how you will care for your child, so that your child knows its father and is supported financially by him.

Harriette Cole runs Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.