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Dear Ann Cannon • Some of my immediate family members have been deceiving everyone about a significant matter for the past year and I'm one of the few people who know the truth. They expect me to go along with their lie forever and it's made things strained. If they weren't family, I'd probably let the relationship fade. Any suggestions for handling this situation?

—Not Wanting to Be Complicit

Dear Not Wanting • My knee-jerk reaction to your question was this: Tell your lying family members where to get off and let the chips fall where they may. Other people's secrets can be a burden, especially when you personally feel compromised by those secrets. It's not fair of your family to expect you to play along with their deception.

The problem with knee-jerk reactions is that they're often simplistic and fail to take into consideration the complexities of a situation like yours. What's the reason for the deception in the first place? Are these people planning to pull a Bernie Madoff and commit fraud? If so, then alert your family and the authorities immediately. Or is the deception based on the fear that they will be rejected by loved ones if the truth were known? Or are they trying to protect someone else's feelings and sensibilities? What will the consequences (and possibly collateral damage) be if you share their information with others? These are morally murky waters, for sure.

Without knowing the particulars of your situation, I would advise you (at the very least) to tell the guilty party that you dislike being conscripted into secrecy, that their lie puts you in an awkward position and that they shouldn't necessarily count on you to collaborate if you're eventually approached by other family members.

Sadly, this will probably strain your relationship even further. But that's not on you.

—

Dear Ann Cannon • I know a woman who won't acknowledge me even when I say hello, unless I am with one of our mutual friends whom she admires. This has happened more than once. I try to be pleasant and include this woman in the conversation, but she just turns her back on me. Of course, she is careful not to let the admired someone see what she does. I'm not one to get my feelings hurt, but it does sting a little. I see her fairly regularly, too. Do I just shrug it off or do I say something?

—Snubbed

Dear Snubbed • Ugh. Why do people have to be so mean and stupid sometimes? This woman should know better, is what I'm saying.

Anyway. You've already laid out two options for yourself. A third, of course, would be to badmouth this woman to your mutual friend, but I really don't recommend that (as satisfying in the moment as that might be). So my question for you is this: What would you gain by confronting this woman about her behavior? Is it worth it? How much do you need or want her validation?

No one likes to feel overlooked or dismissed, but it seems to me that you don't need this person in your life anyway. Remind yourself that you deserve better and go with option "b"— shrug it off.

—

Dear Ann Cannon • How do you give advice to your daughter-in-law without seeming like the meddling mother-in-law?

—The Mother-in-Law

Dear Mother-in-law • You can't — unless, of course, your daughter-in-law asks you for advice in the first place. And even then it may be wiser to smile and ask her what she thinks instead.

Yes. I know. This is ironic advice coming from an advice columnist.

Good luck!

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