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Dear Ann Cannon • I have a topic I would LOVE to hear your opinion on: Parents Enabling Adult Children. And I'm not talking about ones that have official mental illnesses or addictions. I'm referring to the one who is still living at home (wife and baby included) with parents who are retired and available to help with every tiny struggle. Ugh!! Do you have any advice for them or the rest of us siblings who can't stand it?

— Can't Stand It

Dear Can't Stand It • My husband knew a criminal-law professor (a former DA from Southern California) who regularly dropped this mantra on his students: Criminals are stupid. I haven't had enough personal experience with career criminals to know if this is true or not, but I am a big fan of tossing around mantras to make a point, so here's my mantra for today: Living is messy.

Whenever an issue arises, it's probably not a bad idea to look inward first, given the fact that we can only exert control over ourselves. SADLY! You might ask yourself what's driving your resentment. Concern for your parents' well-being? A latent case of adult sibling rivalry? A sense that the situation is fundamentally unfair to the other children and grandchildren? All of the above?

It seems to me that parents and siblings often look at a child (especially a troubled child) in dramatically different ways. From sheer force of habit, parents view children — even adult children at times — as dependents who need help. The impulse to rescue runs deep. Siblings, on the other hand, view one another as peers who should receive equal treatment. It's only natural to feel frustrated with the sibling who routinely gets more than her or his fair share of a parent's emotional and financial resources. It's also natural to worry about a parent when it appears that he or she is being unfairly used.

There's no easy answer here — remember that living is messy — but maybe you should speak frankly with your parents before your own relationship with them turns toxic. They need to know how you feel. Be warned that they're likely to be defensive — especially at first — so resist the temptation to attack them or your sibling. Proceed with kindness as you share your concerns. Good luck!

Dear Ann Cannon • My boyfriend's last girlfriend was a gymnast AND double-jointed. So far I've pulled a hamstring three times and twisted my neck. I really love him, and I want him to be happy and satisfied, but I just can't keep up with his old flame. What should I do?

— Not Twisted in Knots

Dear Not Twisted • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OK. Next question.

Dear Ann Cannon • I have a sister-in-law who deliberately goes out of her way to offend me with her comments about a range of things from religion to politics to the movies I like. How should I respond?

— Offended

Dear Offended • Are you sure she deliberately intends to offend you? I get that you feel offended — and maybe with good cause. But again, is the offense really deliberate? The reason I ask is that a wise older woman once shared her secret to happiness with me: She refuses to take offense. Most people don't intend to offend, she said. And if they do, why give them any power over you? This is easier said than done, obviously. But still. Maybe readers can suggest strategies for handling your situation.

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