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Dear Ann Cannon • I need insight into the brains of my millennial children. Why do they feel free to tell me when I'm being politically incorrect, but I am not allowed to tell them which four-letter words I wish they wouldn't use?
— Mothering Millennials
Dear Mothering • Oh, families! To quote Robert Earl Keen, the road goes on forever and the party never ends, right?
Here's something to consider. Is it possible that you and your millennial children are both engaging in the same behavior, i.e. "policing" one another? They want to police your attitudes, you want to police their language. The problem is that nobody likes to be policed. Especially by other family members.
Is it possible for you to have a conversation wherein you thank them non-ironically for enlightening you and then ask them as a favor to curb their language — at least in front of you? We all want to express ourselves in whatever fashion we choose these days, but sometimes an awareness of audience isn't a bad life skill to develop.
In an ideal world, a conversation like this would be a snap. You could meet over brunch, share your feelings, and engage in a group hug after. In real life? Maybe not so much. You'll have to decide if you want to go there.
One last thought. Being the parent of adult children is challenging. You've spent your whole life taking care of them in all kinds of ways, so stepping back and letting them follow their own paths — especially if you worry about that path — can be tough.
But necessary for you both.
—
Dear Ann Cannon • My mother-in-law bought the kids a goldfish when my wife and I were out of town last week. I appreciated the fact that she babysat for us, but I'm mildly annoyed with her for giving us a pet without consulting us first. Should I say something to her?
— Reluctant Goldfish Owner
Dear Reluctant • If she'd given you a cat or a dog or especially (!) some sort of rodent-type pet, you should definitely have a chat with her. But a goldfish? A goldfish hardly qualifies as a pet. You buy a goldfish when you want to teach your children about death. Seriously, that fish will be history in a couple of weeks, so bite your tongue and bide your time. Boom. Problem solved.
—
Dear Ann Cannon • I have told my husband that I'd love for him to send me flowers on our anniversary. He never does, though, because he thinks flowers are a waste of money and that a gift should always be practical. This is probably a stupid thing to get upset about, but I do. Any suggestions?
— Chronically Disappointed
Dear Disappointed • Wouldn't it be lovely if we all spoke the same gift-giving language? If we did, there would be no disappointments, no resentments, and no great stories to tell about that time your husband gave you a paring knife and nothing else for your first Christmas together. (Fortunately, for my dad, my mother got over it. EVENTUALLY.)
For what it's worth, I think your husband should send you flowers on your anniversary. Why? Because you want them. When it comes to giving gifts, we should give a person something he or she would want. That kind of gift says, "Hey. I'm paying attention to who you are and what you value."
Not that I follow my own advice here. My husband often accuses me of giving him books I want to read myself. And he's right. I do give him books I want to read myself. All the time!
I was discussing your question with a friend at work (don't worry, your true identity is safe with me) and she suggested YOU send flowers to him. Best-case scenario, he'll (finally) get the hint — or at least understand how it feels to have a partner who's tone-deaf when it comes to your desires. Worst-case scenario, you can enjoy the flowers yourself when he brings them home from work.
Score! It's a win-win solution.
— Do you have a question for Ann? Send it to askann@sltrib.com or visit the Ask Ann Cannon page on Facebook.