This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
WARNING: If you want to read something uplifting this morning, don't read my column.
OK. So I've been grumpy lately. Really grumpy. How grumpy have I been? You could call me Mrs. Grumpypants and I would say, "Yeah? What do you want?" And then I would bite your head off before you even had a chance to answer.
That's pretty grumpy, right?
I finally had an intervention with myself, and this is how our conversation went.
ME: Time for an intervention, Mrs. Grumpypants.
SELF: Yeah? What do you want?
ME: Why are you so grumpy these days?
SELF: Why? I'll tell you why. But first get over here so I can bite your head off!
Still. We finally came up with some answers, because in the end I do think it's useful to find out why a person (named myself) has been so irritable.
Answer #1: It's autumn. Yes. I know, autumn is beautiful. And autumn in the valley this year has been particularly beautiful. Leaves. Honey-colored light. Breathtaking sunrises and sunsets. Warm days. Blue skies, not counting the pollution part.
This autumn has been gorgeous. But as I have also said before in this column, whenever winter approaches, I want to grow fur all over my body, stuff my cheeks full of acorns and hibernate. Or maybe I've said I want to stuff my cheeks full of doughnuts and hibernate, which sounds like a better option, so let's go with that.
Memo to Fresh Donut & Deli on State Street: Get your doughnuts ready!
Answer #2: Tinkerbell. Not the Disney fairy who weighs mere ounces. I'm talking about my Newfie puppy, Tinkerbell, who now weighs tons. Yes. I know. She's adorable. And yes. I know. I was the one who wanted another big dog after Zora died. And yes, it's true: I'm smitten. But puppies the size of Shetland ponies can be challenging, especially when you realize they've eaten half of the Thanksgiving decorations you just put out. "Dude!" I yelled at Tinkerbell. "Did you really have to snack on all my fake pilgrims?"
Answer #3: My friend Louise just moved. She's excited about this new chapter in her life, and I wish her the best. But whenever somebody I love moves away, I always feel like I lose a piece of myself.
So those are three good reasons right there for my grumpiness. But I figured out what the main reason has been. The election cycle. Has there ever been an election cycle that was as ugly and soul-corroding as this one? Maybe. But not in my lifetime.
If anything, this election has convinced me that we should get our British on and limit elections to six weeks. Period. End of story.
As this election season has unfolded, I've felt like one of those characters in a cartoon strip with a black cloud hanging over my head. I've felt like Princess Leia looking out her spaceship window and seeing the Death Star looming on the horizon. I've felt like both Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio when they realized the Titanic was going down.
This election cycle has brought out the worst in everybody, except (apparently) for Melania Trump, who urged us all last week to be kind and to stop with all the nasty cyberbullying. Um. I assume I do not have to spell out the tasty irony of this.
Maybe the rancor and vitriol will begin to dissipate now. Who knows? I'm not optimistic. Which is such an un-American way to feel.
But! The good news for me personally is that we have a new baby in our family and the Cubs finally won.
So break out the doughnuts, and let's all hope for the best.