This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Of all the things I enjoy doing in this life, flying is NOT one of them. Why? I offer these reasons by way of explanation.

1. Because there's no room for my legs. And I am not a giantess. What do the tall ones among us do?

2. Because I hate to breathe fake air. And I'm pretty sure the air circulating through airplanes is fake; otherwise they would let us roll down the windows, right?

3. Because I worry that I'll accidentally fall asleep on a stranger's shoulder. And drool.

4. Because I worry that a stranger will accidentally fall asleep on my shoulder. And drool.

5. Because whenever I walk into an airport, the low-level reptilian part of my brain takes over.

6. This does NOT mean I want to catch flies and sun myself in the middle of a road somewhere.

7. It DOES mean that fear — which all the psychologists these days say is rooted in the reptilian part of our brains — guides my actions.

8. I'm so full of irrational reptilian fear that I turn into that old TV character Aunt Clara on "Bewitched."

9. Remember Aunt Clara? The one who used to run into walls and get stuck in chimneys and accidentally turn husbands like Darrin Stephens into chimpanzees?

10. I automatically turn into bumbling Aunt Clara whenever I walk into an airport. I fumble with everything. My boarding pass. My ID. My luggage.

11. But at least I haven't done that thing my friend once did when they said "face down" to her at the boarding gate.

12. They meant for her to place her iPhone with the downloaded boarding pass on the scanner, of course.

13. But because this friend also turns into Aunt Clara whenever she flies, she thought they meant her actual face. Which she placed on the scanner. Much to the merriment of the Delta gate agents assisting her.

14. So what am I afraid of when I fly?

15. Death.

16. Duh.

17. Whenever the flight attendants tell me that my seat cover can be used as a "flotation device," I always go "What good will a flotation device do me in a cornfield in Iowa?!"

18. Obviously there is no satisfactory answer to this question.

19. But sometimes in this life you just gotta bite the bullet and get your sorry behind on an airplane.

20. And there are definitely things on the other end of a journey that make it all worthwhile.

21. Like a brand new 2-week-old granddaughter named Charlotte Ruth in Texas, for example.

22. What could be better then holding a newborn in your arms and enjoying the fleeting scent of an infant's skin? I'll get myself on an airplane and fly to Texas any day for that privilege!

23. So here's hoping that wherever Charlotte Ruth lives when she grows up, she'll always have a little bit of the football-watching, flag-waving, fried-gator-eating, Lyle Lovett-loving, no-messing-with-Texas Texan in her soul.

24. And here's also hoping that her parents, Dylan and Julie, will get some sleep someday. Although in my experience having children means you never get a full night's sleep again for the rest of your life.

25. But still.

Welcome to this amazing world, Miss Charlotte Ruth. We're so glad you're here.