This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2016, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

My brothers, our families, our parents and I have now been going to the beach together every summer for a million years. This has made me something of an expert when it comes to the trajectory family vacations tend to follow. Take a look and see if any of this sounds familiar to you.

Saturday • Yay! You've all arrived at the beach! THE BEACH! THE BEACH! THE BEACH! Stow your stuff in the beach house (including all that toilet paper you bought at Costco before you left Utah because there might not be any toilet paper in California) and hit the sand ASAP for the remaining hours of daylight. THE BEACH! THE BEACH! THE BEACH!

Sunday • Wake up with the sun. Go buy some doughnuts. Also some cronuts. Thank you, somebody, for inventing cronuts. Cronuts are genius! Take a bike ride. Take a walk. Take another bike ride. Take another walk. Get in the water. Get out of the water. Get in the water. Get out of the water. Life is good. Good! Good! Good! And you are more than just a little giddy because you are at THE BEACH!

Monday • Ah yeah. Another day in Paradise. Dude. Why do you even live in Utah when you could live in Paradise? Celebrate another day in Paradise by staying outside all day long and getting burned.

Tuesday • Still pretty much Paradise. But OK. That burn stings. So stay inside for part of the day and play cards. Tell the same story you've told for years about how your son and your niece used to cheat at cards when they were in grade school. It was always a big old Cheat-Off when those two got together. Also remind people to deal to their left so they won't get shot in Vegas. Meanwhile, make plans to go to Disneyland the next day. YAY FOR DISNEYLAND! YAY FOR DISNEYLAND CORNDOGS! Thank you, somebody, for inventing Disneyland corndogs! Disneyland corndogs are genius! Meanwhile, Wednesday seems like the perfect day to go to Disneyland because it's in the middle of the week. It'll be less crowded! You guys are genius!

Wednesday • YAY, DISNEYLAND! But wait. Even though it's Wednesday, it's still crowded. Also hot. Also expensive. But still! It's Disneyland! SO YAY! Put on some mouse ears and go buy yourself a corndog!

Thursday • OK. If somebody's gonna have an meltdown on this trip, it'll happen today. By Thursday there's been just a little too much of everything, including sand in the bottom of your swimming suit. Gah! Why does most of the beach end up in the bottom of your swimming suit every year?

Nerves can be frayed by Thursday. Blowups occur. Meanwhile, everybody remembers YOUR epic meltdown a few years ago when you forgot you were a grownup and you made your mother pull over so you could jump out of the car because you were in a snit, which made your sister-in-law and nieces sitting in the back seat go hey! What the hell just happened here?

Yup. It's Thursday.

Friday • Wait! What?! It's Friday already? Beach Week is almost over? Didn't you just unload all that toilet paper from Costco out of the car? How can Beach Week be almost over? This reality is greeted with a potent mixture of melancholy … and relief. Meanwhile, everybody starts reminiscing about the past week like it's already in the distant past. Then you eat some farewell doughnuts. Also cronuts.

Saturday again • Time to leave. Hugs all around. Maybe even a few tears. Meanwhile, everybody agrees. BEST BEACH WEEK EVER, PEOPLE!

See you next year!