If you have any of these health issues, you're in luck, because I can totally tell you which drugs to take now. I can tell you about the possible undesirable side effects, as well. (Death!) (You're welcome!)
Furthermore, I can advise you if you want to lose 50 pounds like Marie Osmond or improve your teeth so you won't be afraid to smile at your grandchildren. I can tell you where to get your genes tested to find out whether your ancestors are really from Germany after all (they weren't, so lose the lederhosen and find yourself a kilt) or suggest a retirement community where people take awesome cooking classes.
While we're at it, I can give you tips about buying insurance, borrowing money and applying for a reverse mortgage.
And finally I can tell you which personal injury lawyers to call if you have a pelvic mesh problem — although, frankly, it would be very surprising if you did.
Why am I such a font of knowledge?
You guessed it! Daytime TV commercials!
Which brings me to the real point of this letter. Valentine's Day is coming up soon, and there's a commercial airing on daytime TV right now that purports to tell men what their women really want. Candy? NO! Who even likes chocolate anyway? Chocolate is for losers. What about flowers? Dude! Flowers die. Do you really want to disrespect your woman with dead stuff? ALSO NO! According to this commercial, what women really want is a life-size teddy bear from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company.
OK. It's not that I don't like life-size teddy bears. Or even a life-size stuffed moose. You recall, of course, the day I accidentally bought us a life-size stuffed moose from the Costco. I went to the Costco to buy some mozzarella (fresh) and somehow came home with that moose thing instead.
Costco is like that. Always tempting you to buy yourself a fake moose instead of cheese.
But that's not the point. The point is that I don't really object to the product. Who doesn't love a big old toy bear taking up most of the room in your bed? I DO, however, object to the commercial, which shows attractive women cuddling up to the teddy bear like they're going to make love to it while their men stare at the camera, winking and nodding as if to say oh yeah, baby! IT'S BUSINESS TIME!
That's why I'm writing you this you this letter, dear My Husband. Candy is good. So are flowers. Even a card — as long as it's funny — is fine. As you know, I'm not that high-maintenance. Just don't buy me anything for Valentine's Day from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company, because I find their commercial to be so off-putting, OK?
Although now that I think about it, you never watch daytime TV, which means the thought would never occur to you anyway.
So never mind. Get back to work and forget I ever wrote you this letter.
Your wife (who's getting back to work, too)
Ann Cannon can be reached at email@example.com or facebook.com/anncannontrib.