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"I never meant to teach my children to be helpless or fear failure, and a life of anxiety is certainly not what I envisioned for them," writes Jessica Lahey in the introduction to her thought-provoking new book, "The Gift of Failure."

Nor did the well-intentioned parents of the students whom Lahey has taught. Yet again and again, she came into contact with children (including her own) who were afraid of taking those risks that lead to true growth.

What is causing so many young people to be so anxious? This question led Lahey, a former resident of Salt Lake City, to take a compassionate but hard look at the way we parent in 21st-century America. Her findings are chronicled in a book that is as convincing as it is accessible. "The Gift of Failure" relies on research and anecdotal evidence to support Lahey's claims that overparenting does more harm than good. Additionally, it offers practical solutions for changing — not staying — the course.

What is responsible for the kind of over-parenting that seems to be so common now?

We've ended up in this place because we are having fewer children, we are having those children older, after we have experienced much more education than previous generations — that's our starting point for this mess. We use the tools we've earned in the workplace and in that education to measure our performance and look to our children to validate our parenting skills. Just when we are feeling vaguely competent in our belief that we might raise our precious children to a successful adulthood, the media chimes in with daily briefs on the threats our children face, from injuries due to insufficient baby-proofing to inevitable rejection due to plummeting college acceptance rates. We want — we need — to feel good about ourselves as parents, and lacking any other measure, we tally up our children's grades and sports scores and trophies and awards and compare ourselves to the parents around us. We whip each other up into a frenzy, and our kids are left to cope with the resulting anxiety we bring home with us and foist on them. It's a vicious cycle.

What are the long-term consequences for children who are overparented?

According to the research of Wendy Grolnick, who researches the benefits of autonomy-supportive parenting and the dangers of overparenting, kids who are overly directed and controlled — told how, when, why and where to do everything from homework to household chores — are less likely to be able to complete tasks on their own. Picture the kid who can't work through a math homework problem unless a parent sits at the table with them and holds their hand, leading them through every step of the process, or the child who can't do household tasks on their own without falling apart when a drawer sticks or the leaf pile blows over in the wind. Kids whose parents support, but do not direct or control, know how to push through frustration when a task gets difficult or frustrating and are able to complete those tasks at a much higher rate. These kids are easier to teach, easier to parent, and are more likely to mature into resilient, competent adults.

In your book you refer to praise as "a slippery and tricky parenting tool." Can you explain what you mean?

Carol Dweck's book "Mindset" is the foundation for this sentiment and should be required reading for all teachers and parents. Dweck found that kids who are praised for inherent, fixed, immutable traits develop what's called a "fixed mindset." These kids perceive "smart" or "gifted" as an identity, a label to be protected at all costs, and are much less likely to take on challenges or difficult tasks that could shatter that label. They are also more likely to cheat and lie about their grades, lest their parents, peers or teachers find out that they are not as smart as we keep insisting they are.

On the other hand, kids who understand that "smart" is less of a fixed adjective than a verb, an ongoing process of becoming, are much more likely to take on intellectual risk, challenge, and are less likely to cheat. These kids know that the harder we work our brains, the more brain we have to work.

You talk frankly about your own experience with overparenting. What was/is the most challenging thing for you about stepping back?

I am still protective of my younger son as he stumbles through his executive function struggles. He's a typical tween boy with a still-developing frontal lobe and less-than-stellar organizational skills. No matter how many times I've resisted taking his homework to school or running his lunch out to the bus stop or packing those few items I know he's forgotten to put in his backpack, I don't. I want to, but I don't. And slowly through facing the consequences of his lapses in executive function, he's learning his own strategies and shortcuts. I have to keep reassuring myself that given time and patience and restraint, he will find enough of his own strategies that he won't need me to rescue him anymore.

If a parent were to ask you for one thing s/he could do today to change her/his overparenting style, what would you advise?

Stop thinking short-term and shift your focus to the long haul. Child development is not linear; it looks like a diagram of the stock market growth, with ups and downs from day to day. We can't expect to see improvement over each 24-hour cycle, can't expect to feel great about our parenting skills every day, but if we can consider how we (and our kids) are doing this month, or this semester, or this year, we can calm down over the small things that feel dire in the moment.

What kind of feedback has your book received?

The feedback has been incredible. I hoped that the book would be helpful, but when I go out and speak and a parent thanks me for truly helping them, for improving their relationship with their child, that's amazing. I keep those emails and notes in a special place in my desk, right next to my favorite notes from former students. They mean the world to me.

Do you have any new projects in the works?

Absolutely! I'm working on some supplemental materials for "The Gift of Failure," and when I stop traveling so much, I'll get to work on my next book. It takes off where "The Gift of Failure" ends and is relevant to the teaching I'm doing now, for students at risk of failure. I teach English in a drug and alcohol rehab for adolescents, and many of these kids have experienced difficult childhoods in and out of school. Teaching these kids has provided an incredible education on the power of student-teacher relationship and the importance of hope. … There's too little optimism in education these days, but I am a determined and steadfast optimist, as most teachers are. That's what helps us through when the job gets frustrating, and it's what allows us to show up every day. —

Don't fear failure

Jessica Lahey will read from and sign copies of "The Gift of Failure."

Where • The King's English Bookshop, 1511 S. 1500 East, Salt Lake City

When • Nov. 24, 7 p.m.

Learn more • For more information about Lahey and "The Gift of Failure," please visit http://www.jessicalahey.com.

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'The Gift of Failure'

Jessica Lahey

Harper

Pages • 304

Price • $26.99