1. Go find a beer cave and stand in it. I learned this heat-survival strategy from my brother who lives in Las Vegas. When temperatures soar, he'll lumber into the nearest Circle-K beer cave and chill for a minute. Sometimes he'll take a selfie and send it to me, which automatically makes me feel cooler, too. Hey, thanks for that, Jimmy!
2. Go find a freezer and stick your head in it. This is a variation on the above theme. I've tried this one, too, and it works.
3. Go find my car and stick your head in the cooler full of Dr Peppers that I keep with me at all times. Except, of course, if my head is already in there. In that case, go find your own damn cooler.
5. Dump some ice cubes in the bathtub and go stick your feet in them.
6. Go to a movie, even if it's getting terrible reviews like "Aloha." Which I enjoyed, actually, because Alec Baldwin is hysterical and I liked the music. And also COME ON! Bradley Cooper + movie-theater air conditioning = SCORE!
7. Channel your inner kid and eat some frozen Otter Pops.
8. But before eating the Otter Pops, press them against your forehead and the back of your neck.
9. Just don't take off the wrappers first because ew! Messy time!
10. Please save all the cherry-flavored ones for me.
11. Whine some more.
12. Think cool thoughts. (KIDDING! When it comes to heat waves, positive thinking is a total crock.)
13. Drive up to Hatch Family Chocolates on 8th Avenue in Salt Lake and buy an ice-cream cone. The cones are a little pricey, but the house's salted caramel ice cream will make the heat bearable. For about five minutes.
14. Or maybe you could get yourself some homemade popsicles at Pace's Dairy Ann in Bountiful.
15. Please save a cherry-flavored one for me.
16. That reminds me! If you don't mind dealing with a little brain freeze, a Powerade Slush from Sonic might do the trick. Brain cells are overrated, anyway.