Last December I proposed a list of Utah-appropriate questions the Legislature could ponder during its 2014 session that would ease parents’ fears of any left-wing agenda when their students are subjected to Common Core-related tests.
Now that the Legislature’s session has concluded, I offer, by popular demand, a second battery of test questions that would earn a Utah stamp of approval:
1. The Big Bang theory is …
a) The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a bigger gun.
b) A television spin-off series from the HBO hit Big Love
c) The proposed nuclear power plant in Emery County
d) The latest hairstyle fad at BYU
2. Utah was founded by …
a) Brigham Young
c) A football team called the Utes
d) Richard Burwash
3. What was the United Effort Plan?
a) A perfectly reasonable socio-economic system devised by Brigham Young that relied on the idea of each person contributing according to his ability and receiving according to his need that was stolen and defamed by Karl Marx
b) Finding and recovering a sacred rock on Mt. Olympus that forever would be used as a traveling trophy held by the latest winner of the Skyline vs. Olympus football game
c) Salting the Great Salt Lake to discourage the pioneers from swimming on Sunday
d) A commitment from all the pioneer woman of proper age to triple the population of Utah within one year
4. What is the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool?
a) A mushroom is what people in southern Utah observed rising above the mountain tops in the 1950s and they later got cancer. A toadstool is a chair in the corner you have to occupy when you misbehave in class.
b) A mushroom is what the kitchen is called when your mother serves you gruel. A toadstool is reptile excrement.
c) A mushroom is the annual population growth of Utah. A toadstool is the perch from which Miss Grimm taught her third-grade class.
5. True or false: A voucher is a sworn statement from a friend that you are a worthy individual.
6. Identify the grammatical error in this statement:
Sex education are a bad thing to have in the schools.
7. STD is defined as …
a) The letters following PQR in the alphabet
b) An annual test high school seniors take to qualify for college
c) A super jet being built at Hill Air Force Base
d) An acronym for “shut the door” often seen on signs outside the closed caucuses of the Utah Legislature
8. Which of these statements best describes the U.S. Constitution?
a) A graduate thesis submitted by Rep. Ken Ivory, R-West Jordan
b) An 18th-century document smuggled by Patrick Henry to a wilderness area we now call Utah
c) The title to all the land inside the borders of Utah
d) Golden plates discovered by a young man on the Hill Cumorah in New York
9. Which group is protected from discrimination by the U.S. Constitution?
a) Gay people
b) Dog breeds