Husband's old flame continues to flicker
Dear Carolyn • My husband and I are newlyweds. He had a long-term relationship with a woman who turned out to be married. When they first started dating, she lied to him about her marital status. He eventually found out but, by that point, had developed strong feelings for her and did not end their relationship. They have remained in constant contact over an 11-year period, with occasional weekends together. Since she learned of our engagement and marriage, she is tearfully telling my husband about how she "almost" left her family for him, and that he "doesn't even sound like himself anymore." I really resent this woman's intrusion into our lives and have clearly communicated this to my husband. He has yet to respond. How should I handle this?
Why Do I Feel Like the Bad Guy
Dear Bad Guy • You handle it with an attorney. This isn't advice I relish giving; I prefer to lay out options and let the couple sort it out. To complete the disclosure, I'll even throw in that I believe in letting adults, married or not, choose their own friends. However, if it's marriage to someone who takes marriage lightly? I won't shake my pro-marriage pom-poms for that.
Dear Carolyn • Two years ago we bought a vacation home. We go practically every weekend for three seasons a year. Friends have commented how we're never available anymore, and I will admit we've grown very lax about returning calls, texts, emails, whatever. We used to do holiday meals at our house for a group of people, but only a handful showed up for Christmas and just one for Easter. I asked why and she said, "To people who used to see you several times a week, two years of being basically ignored feels personal. " How can we get our friends to see things have changed, but it's not personal?
Old Friends Disappearing
Dear Disappearing • Maybe it's not "wrong" or even "personal," but saying to your friends, "Don't call us, we'll call you ... when we need kitchen help or filler guests" is mind-bendingly obnoxious.
Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.