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Mother-in -law steps way out of bounds

Published February 10, 2013 10:51 am

This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2013, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.

Dear Carolyn • A few years ago I was fired from a job. I was young and foolish and did something I am not proud of, and paid the price. I truly feel sorry for my actions. I spent time in therapy, and I am in a much better place now. However, I was embarrassed by the reason I was fired, and told people whom I wasn't close to simply that I was let go. Among those were my in-laws; we're not close. But my mother-in-law needed to know more. She called my former boss (whom she had never met), forced the story out of him, then told her gossipy prayer-circle group and anyone else who'd listen. She also petitioned to my husband what a horrible liar I was, and that if he wanted out of this marriage, all he had to say was "yes." My husband, who knew the true story, told her he was happy in his marriage, and that was that. He's shocked at what his mother did, but doesn't seem very angry, and says it's just her nature to be in the middle of everything. I can barely look her in the face. Yes, I lied. I'm not proud of it. Was it my duty to tell every single person I know the reasons behind my firing? I've never confronted her about this; should I?

Gossip

Dear Gossip • Wow. I count two problems. (1) Your mother-in-law is a hydra. (2) Your husband is a wuss (a common hydra byproduct). Whether you stole a stapler or embezzled funds, your mother-in-law had no business digging, much less sharing the treasure she unearthed. Start with No. 2, and air to your husband your frustration that his mom crossed several boundaries to be overtly hateful to you, yet everyone's back to business as usual. If he's not as exercised as you are about this, then be prepared to say why you want more of his support. Actions this egregious against a child's spouse often cost parents their relationship with said child, for good reason; will he issue her that warning in your defense? Enforce it? You have the right to face the hydra yourself, but let your husband know you're doing it first. Explain that you're giving him a chance to say whether he supports your doing that and why/why not. Weigh his preference carefully, then do what you feel you need to do.

Carolyn Hax's column runs Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.