It’s time for New Year’s resolutions. And given that the folks who work in TV are so busy, I thought I’d make a few resolutions for them.
TV news anchors • Resolve to deliver the news. Don’t try to be our friend.
Alex O’Loughlin • (Steve McGarrett on “Hawaii Five-0”) Resolve to take off your shirt in every episode. Just as a gift to your female fans.
Max Greenfield • (Schmidt on “New Girl”) Resolve to leave your shirt on in at least one episode. Just to mix things up.
Zooey Deschanel • (Jess on “New Girl”) Resolve to just keep being adorkable.
Jay Leno • With the rumors that Jimmy Fallon is going to replace you in 2014, resolve not to put out a mob hit on him. Retire gracefully.
Conan O’Brien • Resolve to take the high road when Leno is forced out. Ah, never mind.
Angus T. Jones • (Jake on “Two and a Half Men”) Unless you’re planning to give back your enormous paychecks, resolve to keep your mouth shut.
Diana Weeks Willardson • (local contestant on the upcoming season of “The Bachelor”) Resolve to avoid embarrassing yourself the way so many Utahns have on this show. Like Michelle Money, Bentley Williams, Desiree Valentin, Monica Spannbauer, Jef Holm …
Pac-12 Network/DirecTV • Resolve to work out your differences. I don’t care whose fault it is, just make a deal.
The CW • Resolve to try harder. Surely you can do better than “Beauty and the Beast.”
Vince Gilligan • (creator/executive producer/writer of “Breaking Bad”) Resolve to give us a series finale that’s surprising and satisfying. And good luck with that. You’ll need it.
Julian Fellowes • (creator/writer of “Downton Abbey”) Resolve to get Mr. Bates out of prison. Please …
All the “Grey’s Anatomy” characters • Resolve to quit whining. You people are sooooo annoying.
The writers of “Homeland” • Resolve to continue surprising us. You’re good at that.
Aaron Sorkin • (creator/executive producer/writer of “The Newsroom”) Resolve to ignore your screeching critics. They’re jealous of your success.
Ryan Murphy • (creator of “Popular,” “Nip/Tuck,” “Glee” and “American Horror Story”) Resolve to never again make a second season of a television series. It’s not your strong suit.
The producers of “Game of Thrones” • Resolve to blow up some more stuff and kill a bunch more people in Season 3.
“Community” fans • Resolve to not take it personally when the show is axed.
TLC management • Resolve to stop lying to the press and viewers. Like you did with that faked “Breaking Amish” series. Actually, given that you’ve foisted Honey Boo Boo onto the national stage, resolve to never, ever put another TV show on the air. Find new jobs.
Scott D. Pierce covers television for The Salt Lake Tribune. Email him at spierce@ sltrib.com; follow him on Twitter @ScottDPierce.