At this time of year when we’re shopping for family and friends, how about a few gifts for a friend the average American spends 28 hours a week with — our televisions.
If I had an unlimited budget, here’s what I’d get a few of our TV pals.
Writers of “Nashville” • A sense of humor.
Writers of “Scandal” • Less unintentional humor.
Writers of “Hawaii Five-O” • Season 1 of the show on DVD, to remind them it used to be better.
KSL management • The realization that I’m not making up those lousy ratings numbers, I’m just reporting them.
KTVX and KUCW • Enough pre-emptions so no Real Salt Lake games are tape-delayed.
The Pac-12 Network • A deal with DirecTV. (Duh!)
“The Simpsons” • A graceful exit. It’s time for this show to retire. (D’oh!)
“How I Met Your Mother” • The identity of the mother. And a graceful exit.
“Smash” • More singing, less ridiculous melodrama.
“Glee” • A bullet.
“Don’t Trust the B---- In Apt. 23 • Viewers.
Syfy Channel • A series set in outer space. To fit your alleged science-fiction theme.
“Project Runway” • A little respect.
“The Good Wife” • A lot of respect.
“The Bachelor/Bachelorette” • An Emmy nomination — for best scripted comedy.
PBS • Adequate funding to keep this national treasure up and running.
Big Bird • An exemption from ever being used in a political campaign again. By either side.
BYU and Utah football • Now that the Utes and Cougars are more readily available on TV, games that are worth watching.
“Downton Abbey” • It doesn’t really need anything. Unless Dan Stevens (who plays Matthew) really isn’t going to return for Season 4.
“Game of Thrones” • More than 10 episodes per season. (Actually, that would be a gift for “Game of Thrones” fans.)
Donald Trump • A role on “Game of Thrones,” so he can continue to live in a make-believe world.
Jimmy Fallon • Armor, so he can fend off the knife Jay Leno will one day use to backstab him.
“Dallas” • A proper sendoff for J.R. Ewing and the man who played him, Larry Hagman. And a way to keep the show going post-J.R.
CNN • Lots of luck. You’re going to need it now that Jeff Zucker — the man who destroyed NBC — is your new boss.
Fox News • Ear plugs, so they’re not forced to hear one of their interviewees assert they’re “operating as the wing of the Republican Party.”
TV viewers • The realization that, although we all love to complain about TV, you can’t overlook the wide array of great sports, news and entertainment programming.
Scott D. Pierce covers television for The Salt Lake Tribune. Email him at firstname.lastname@example.org; follow him on Twitter @ScottDPierce.