I don't believe in vampires, either, but I've been scared of them since 1978 when I read Stephen King's 'Salem's Lot. I was working nights then. It was amazing how big people's teeth seemed to get after dark.

Given an overactive imagination, I had no business going to The Haunted Village with friends Katie and Ellis Ivory. But there I was Saturday night, standing in line for a heart attack or a punctured jugular.

I took my wife. If vampire movies teach us anything, it's that only an expendable moron goes anywhere alone after the sun goes down. A survivor brings a friend to keep the undead busy while he escapes.

The Haunted Village is actually a haunted hike. It winds through the woods and fields and homes of This Is the Place Heritage Park. The whole thing takes about an hour unless you're easily frightened, in which case it lasts just short of forever.

Starting at the Brigham Young House, visitors are sent down the fright line in bunches of eight or nine. Small groups not only make the experience cozy, they also make it possible to get everyone in a room when a witch pops out of a bureau.

The Haunted Village was busy. It was easy to monitor what was coming by the screams of the group ahead of you. Things still got creepy.

Skeptical as your brain can be, something happens to it when you turn down the lights and start turning corners. No matter how much warning you have, it's still unnerving (and even bladder-voiding) when a werewolf jumps at you from a tree.

The trail led through gloomy woods, past dimly lit houses and along narrow fences. Periodically, a ghoul would try to drag us into a grave, or a zombie would come stumping through a doorway.

Somewhere between a witch hanging and whatever the heck it was that popped out of a patch of weeds, I got separated from my wife. She says I left her. I say she just can't run fast enough.

I wasn't alone for long. Cole, the 7-year-old son of KUTV Channel 2 anchor Shauna Lake, got separated from his group. He clamped onto me like a federal audit. I did the last 200 yards with an extra 60 pounds on one leg.

Cole: "What's that? Is it a zombie?"

Me: "No, that's Mr. Ivory. He's a Republican."

The Haunted Village ends tonight. There's still time to make the last run. I didn't see any vampires. You probably won't either if you keep your eyes closed.

rkirby@sltrib.com