As creatures of the night slithering through dark shadows, vampires should be feared and dangerous. And the tale they tell should be stylish, provocative and born of a secretive but alluring mythology.
"Moonlight," CBS' new crime drama about a vampire who also is a private detective, is none of those things. It is one thing: excruciatingly boring.
The pilot episode, which debuts tonight at 8 on KUTV Channel 2, especially will lull viewers to sleep with its mundane setup of an immortal "vamp" in modern-day Los Angeles who joins an Internet reporter to stop a serial killer.
Aussie actor Alex O'Loughlin (pronounced o-lock-lin) plays Mick St. John, a victim of the vampire curse who for centuries has used his otherwise evil powers for good.
In the 21st century, he has become a private investigator who turns to a TMZ-like reporter (Sophia Myles) for help in tracking down a killer murdering women all over Los Angeles.
The second episode, which doesn't fare much better, has St. John battling an old nemesis, a killer released from prison who is out to get vengeance on our vampire hero.
Beyond those two paragraphs, the series has no more compelling storylines.
Nothing is given to St. John's backstory that allows us to care about his crusade to save humans. All we know is that there are other vampires who live among us, and it's his job to make sure none of them snack on helpless humans.
There's also not even a hint as to why vampires exist, why they are hidden in our population and why many of the traditional rules of vampirism don't apply.
For one, these creatures are not killed by sunlight, though it does give them a bad case of the cramps if they hang outside during the day too long. And garlic, crosses and other legendary icons don't affect them.
St. John can exist without having to snack on fresh human blood. That's why he has a medical examiner's assistant as a friend, a fellow vampire who stores extra blood in the lab for himself and St. John.
You would expect a series co-executive-produced by a former "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel" producer and by movie producer Joel Silver (the "Lethal Weapon," "Die Hard" and "Matrix" trilogies) to have better production values and a more inventive feel.
"Moonlight" is nothing but a bland, common legal procedural starring a brooding guy with fangs, "Magnum P.I." with a handsome, blood-sucking protagonist. It lacks style, intrigue and more important, a sense of humor.
Monster legends like these deserve better reinventions for television.
See this instead: Watching "Moonlight's" banal first two hours only reminded me of an old vampire TV movie that is much tastier and livelier.
"The Night Stalker" was made in 1972 and starred Darren McGavin as bumbling Las Vegas newspaper reporter Carl Kolchak, who believes there is a vampire terrorizing the city.
Soon after, it became a short-lived TV series, which was remade two years ago as another dull and uninspired reinvention. But the movie was a creepy, funny vampire tale with all the right elements for a juicy bloodsucker movie. Do check it out.
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* VINCE HORIUCHI's column appears Mondays and Fridays. He can be reached at vince@sltrib.com or 801-257-8607. Visit Horiuchi's blog, "The Village Vidiot," at blogs.sltrib.com/tv/ and catch his PopCast podcast every Tuesday at www.sltrib.com/entertainment. Send comments about this column to livingeditor@sltrib.com.
