Dear Carolyn » I have a friend who I worry is drifting toward an affair. She's very flirty with a co-worker and talks about him in a crush-y way, while she and her husband seem to be going through a rough patch. I've tried to be there for her, both to talk and to go out and have fun. Is that enough? I am not married, so I feel underqualified to speak up. Plus, no one can know what it's like inside someone else's marriage and/or head, right? I can see how a lighthearted, quasi-platonic workplace flirtation could be an excellent escape from what seems like a very grown-up, dreary life.

There's no upside to raising the subject (she'd either be rightfully offended if I'm wrong, or defensive if I'm right), but it's hard to watch someone you love edge closer to a baaaaad decision.

Maryland

Dear Maryland » It's also hard to watch someone presume bad behavior, as if there's no real alternative. I don't mean her flirtation, but your casual presumption that of course she'd be offended or defensive if you raised the subject.

Consider that she might appreciate knowing how things appear, even if you're wrong, if only so she can check herself to keep her husband from getting the same mistaken impression. If you're right, then she might be grateful you snapped her out of denial.

This isn't to argue that you must speak up. There's also an excellent reason not to: because she's an adult and this is her baaaaad decision to make.

Speaking of adulthood -- "a very grown-up, dreary life"? Is that your take, or hers? The pretext of your letter is to navigate the line between helping and meddling, but if you squint you can make out another line running through your question, between childhood and adulthood. Hers, yours, maybe both?

Just as stressful times don't always make for a dreary life, and crushes don't always become bad decisions, and raising a delicate issue isn't always apocalyptic, friendship doesn't always mean you have to do something. People, loves, lives are elastic and complex. Sometimes the most helpful friend is simply one who gets it.