But if I said, "You are the jewel of my heart" in a tone that sounded like he did something on the floor, Worthless scrambled under the bed and wouldn't come out.

Today, I have a cat named Bob Valdez. Bob doesn't come at all when I call him. Cats don't care when, how, why or even if you call them. Not unless you owe them money.

Fortunately, people are smarter than pets. Or at least we used to be. Did you hear about the couple offering to name their baby after a product or a company? For half a million bucks, they will name their soon-to-be born child any brand name. The only exceptions for the baby's name are those of tobacco products and firearms.

It was bound to happen. It also makes a certain amount of sense. Half a million bucks is a powerful incentive. Would you change your name for that much money?

I would. For $500,000 you could call me Ford, Microsoft, Pennzoil, Kellogg, Exxon, Subaru or even Fresca. These are all fine, if somewhat odd, names for people.

Other names, depending on the amount of tolerance required, would cost more. I would have to charge at least an even million to change my name to Green Giant, Drano, Dristan or Huggies.

Some names I wouldn't go for at all. I consider myself a fair-minded person, but I would never want to be named after feminine products.

Having friends say, "Hey, here comes Playtex," or "Is it Midol's turn to drive?" would get on my nerves after a while.

Actually, I already labor under a brand name: Kirby. It's a vacuum cleaner. Growing up, this was an endless source of amusement for kids whose imagination rarely extended beyond, "You're a vacuum."

When I complained to my dad about it, he said something typically adult, like, "Just tell them that at least Kirby vacuums are quality-made products. That should shut them up."

It didn't. Hitting them in the head with a rock worked a lot better.

Which brings us to the point of how the kid will feel about his name by the time he's in grade school. Someday, he will have a major crush on someone. That first venture of the heart is a delicate moment. You don't want it screwed up because your parents were greedy.

I'm guessing here, but I'll bet that "Hi, I'm Kleenex" is not the best opening line ever invented, even in fourth grade.

The eBay parents should probably hold out for more money. By the time their kid reaches high school, they are going to need it to pay for his therapy.

rkirby@

sltrib.com