Peer as hard as you want into the eyes of this woman, you'll find nothing to explain why she agreed to marry a lunatic. Deals don't come more one-sided than this.

The photo was taken near the end of the traditional Utah wedding day: marriage in the morning, wedding breakfast, photos, culminated by an evening reception under a basketball hoop.

Would I do it all over again? Hell, no.

If I could go back, I would stuff this woman in a sack. Eighteen hours and four airports later we would be 3,000 miles away from gift registries and reception lines. Every nickel of our wedding budget would get dropped on two weeks in a hammock someplace warm and sparsely populated.

But it wasn't up to me. Like most grooms, my sole responsibility on this particular day was to shut up and grin. By the time this picture was taken, I had already endured weeks of a hostile environment

Girls start planning their wedding day within minutes of deciding that boys aren't all icky. For that reason, the male brain is never able to cope with the thousands of complicated considerations that go into selecting the right color for the frill on a bridesmaid's dress.

HER: "Do you like this color, honey?"

MY BRAIN: "I do if we're painting a bar in Juarez."

MY MOUTH: "It's perfect, my darling."

I didn't even pick the clothes I'm wearing. Those lapels are bigger than the fins on a '59 Cadillac. The bow tie belongs on a horse pulling a hearse. If I remember right, the shoes I'm wearing are made of Formica.

Fortunately, I was so overwhelmed that a woman like this was willing to marry me that I managed to keep my mouth mostly shut. The only wrinkle came when she asked about refreshments for the reception.

"Jerky, pork rinds and watermelon," I blurted.

"Oh," she said, disappointed. "How about jam tarts and mints?"

"Even better," I said, nearly hysterical over the close call.

Look, I'm no expert, but I got married myself, and I married off three daughters. I can save you some serious trouble if you're engaged to the woman of your dreams. When it comes to planning her day, you are entitled to three opinions. Here they are:

* "I love it because you love it."

Use this one when it's not entirely clear what she thinks about something, especially if she's looking for you to break some inner deadlock. It's safe because it puts everything back on the love track.

* "I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life."

You can't go wrong with this if she's clearly made up her mind about something and is looking to see how much crap she's going to get from you about it.

* "I don't care how much it costs, we're getting it for you."

Trust me, even at 10 times the price this is still a deal.

The last thing you want is to have her looking through your wedding pictures 20 years from now and wishing she hadn't let you talk her into burlap tablecloths.

Stick with these. Anything else, including, "I'm not sure" will be interpreted as a boorish demand to spend your wedding night wandering alone in a parking garage.

Good luck. If everything goes right, you'll feel the same way about her 33 years from now as you do today.

rkirby@sltrib.com