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Kristy Ragsdale, her family says, always looked for the best in her husband, David.
When he allegedly threatened to use a gun to "take care of things," she sought a protection order. But weeks later, true to her nature, Kristy told her lawyer that David's outburst was uncharacteristic, the result of a bad day, stress.
Their marriage was collapsing but neither Kristy nor her friends and family figured David would ever act on his threat.
The horrible reality: Kristy was fatally shot as she arrived at church on Jan. 6, and David has been arrested on suspicion of murder.
Now, Kristy's family says their tragic loss shows domestic violence can happen to anyone and highlights the need for family and friends to be proactive in troubled relationships.
"Most of us would say, 'I'll be here for you if you need help but I won't intervene in your business unless you ask,' and maybe that is not enough," said Tony Palizzi, one of Kristy's older brothers. "Don't take the position it is none of your business."
And assume the worst, domestic violence experts say, even when there is no history of violence.
"The one thing that is important for people to understand is that when a person is going to leave a relationship, the perpetrator often feels they are losing control and they lash out," said A.J. Hunt, coordinator for Link Line, the state's domestic violence telephone hot line.
"This will be the one time they are physically violent," Hunt said, "where they might not have been before."
A dangerous time
Until David Ragsdale allegedly threatened to use a gun, the couple's marriage had not involved domestic violence, according to Lorie Fowlke, Kristy's attorney.
The same could be said of at least three of the 18 domestic-violence related deaths last year in Utah. Among them: a murder-suicide involving Lynn A. Richards of Draper, killed by her husband, Daniel; and Kathy Scanlan, of Sandy, who survived a knife attack by her husband, Alefonsio, who killed himself.
Sam Nolan, victim advocate for the Draper Police Department, said it is not uncommon for there to be few clues to the potential for violence.
"I see a lot of women who, once they finally leave a situation, say they look back and realize it was very textbook, that all the signs were there, but they couldn't see it while they were in it," Nolan said.
Lynn Richards, like Kristy, had told her husband she intended to end their marriage, Nolan said. Research shows the potential for violence increases 75 percent when a woman decides to leave a relationship, she added.
That's why experts say that any previous threats have to be taken seriously.
"If someone threatens violence, you can never know who is going to follow through on it," said Carrie Sillito, a sociology researcher at the University of Utah who specializes in domestic violence issues.
Seeking protection
Kristy Ragsdale took action after David's alleged threat: She got a protection order in early December.
There were 3,961 temporary protection orders issued in Utah in 2006, the most recent data available. Federal law requires that a person under a protection order not have, possess or buy a firearm but does not mandate that guns be taken away.
Judges in Utah have the option of putting a gun ban in place, but again, no one collects the weapons if they do.
David was specifically banned from having a gun but, under Utah's honor system, it was up to him to abide by that order.
A protection order is not a "bulletproof shield," adds Sonia Salari, an associate professor of human development and family studies at the University of Utah.
An order "is trying to work within the law to get some safety, but it is not a guarantee and usually people are aware of that," said Salari, who has studied domestic violence and intimate partner murder-suicides in the U.S.
It is not unusual for a person to feel bad after seeking an order, she said, to consider it an overreaction to the situation.
Changing orders
In a court hearing in mid-December, the Ragsdales agreed to a mutual restraining order instead - a move domestic violence experts and law enforcement officers say is increasingly common.
The restraining order continued the stipulation prohibiting David Ragsdale from having a gun around his wife and children, according to Kristy's attorney.
While it might not have made a difference in her case, there is a key distinction between the two types of orders: In Utah, a protection order is enforced by police; a restraining order is not.
"That's fine if there is not a threat of violence and both people are willing to work through the issues," Sillito said. "But with someone who has been threatening with a weapon, a restraining order is not a good idea."
Salt Lake County sheriff's Lt. Paul Jaroscak is more blunt about the limits of a restraining order.
"As a law enforcement officer, you've got to be kidding me," he said. A restraining order "is not enforceable by a law officer. With a protection order, we can take people to jail" for violations.
That distinction is often lost on victims.
"We have a lot of women call and say they have a restraining order and the police won't do anything, and they don't understand why the police can't do anything," said Nolan, the Draper victim's advocate.
Don't wait
For Kristy, which piece of paper was in place probably didn't matter. When someone decides to kill, there is not a lot that is going to stop them, Nolan said.
Tony Palizzi, Kristy's older brother, said he doesn't know whether there is anything they could have done to prevent Kristy's slaying.
"We all feel like we should have seen it coming," adds his wife, Stacey Palizzi.
Tony's thoughts turn to the few conversations in which Kristy acknowledged that things were "rough" in her marriage and that she was not very happy.
"She wouldn't talk about the details with me. Or," he corrects himself, "I didn't ask about details and she didn't offer them."
The only thing they can come up with is they wish they had been a little bit more like Kristy.
"She would see something in a situation and wouldn't wait for someone to ask [for help]," Tony Palizzi said.
Adds Stacey: "Domestic violence comes in all shapes and forms, whether it is emotional or physical abuse. It can happen to anybody, it doesn't matter your class in society. They were not a wealthy family, but they were upper middle class and look at what happened."
Being safe
Information about creating a safety plan and other domestic violence issues is available online at the Utah Domestic Violence Council Web site, http://www.udvc.org/home.htm, or through the 24-hour domestic violence hot line, 1-800-897-5465. A safety plan should include:
* Using different grocery stores, businesses and banks if possible.
* Varying routes to and from home.
* Being aware of your surroundings at all times.
* Parking in well-lighted, visible areas.
* Having someone escort you to and from your car, bus or taxi.
* Informing neighbors, a landlord and friends of your situation.
"Most of us would say, 'I'll be here for you if you need help but I won't intervene in your business unless you ask,' and maybe that is not enough. Don't take the position it is none of your business."
TONY PALIZZI, one of Kristy Ragsdale's older brothers