It gets bigger every time I mow it. By this time next year - assuming that it hasn't killed me - my backyard will encompass most of the Northern Hemisphere. Cutting the grass will require the combined effort of all undocumented immigrants and NATO.

Currently, I barely get the job done with a Sears lawn mower. It's a self-propelled model, meaning that it will go forward on its own as long as I stand behind it and push. It takes a full tank of gas and an hour of wishing I'd never been born to do the entire lawn.

There is hope. Scientists have invented the robot lawn mower, a machine that will actually mow your lawn while you watch TV.

According to a news story, the robot lawn mower looks like a turtle with wheels. All you do is set the timer. The machine will fire up and roam the yard zipping the heads off dandelions and gophers. When it's done, it automatically returns to its station.

The robot lawn mower knows where to go based on a wire grid installed in the yard. When it bumps into an electric signal, it turns around and goes back. Eventually, the entire lawn is cut.

This is not as impressive as it sounds. My old man had a robot lawn mower way back in the '60s. His robot grass cutter looked like a sullen teenager without wheels, or exactly like me.

My old man's robot lawn mower was voice-actuated. He would say something like, "Get out of bed and go mow the lawn." If the mower didn't start immediately, he would angrily apply some choke until it did.

Bleary from a night of idiot cavorting, my father's robot mower would slam around between the fences until the grass was mowed to his satisfaction. Then, and only then, was it allowed to return to its charging station, or bed.

The new mowers have a moisture sensor that tells them not to mow the lawn when it's raining. My father would get around this by making his robot lawn mower wear a hat.

The old robot lawn mower was every bit as mindless as the new ones. Once, while mowing to the sounds of Jethro Tull with its eyes closed, my father's robot lawn mower chewed through 30 feet of garden hose before it figured out something was amiss.

The new robot mowers are a better deal, though. They cost thousands, but they're probably smarter and less wearing on the nerves.

rkirby@

sltrib.com