For them, "family" includes a husband, sister wives and, often, dozens of children.

More than two years after 3rd District Juvenile Court Judge Andrew Valdez made the radical request that a therapy group of current and former plural wives be created, the one-of-a-kind women's support group lives on.

Valdez's order came in the controversial child welfare case involving Heidi Mattingly Foster, a plural wife of John Daniel Kingston. The judge asked the YWCA and Family Support Center to form the group, believing the women's experiences and challenges would more closely parallel those of Mattingly Foster.

It worked, and today the support group is a lasting legacy of the much-publicized case, which was closed in December. Valdez is not surprised the group has outlived the case that was its inspiration. "I felt the need was there," he said.

Both the Attorney General's and the Guardian ad Litem's offices opposed Valdez's request, asking instead that he end efforts to reunite Mattingly Foster and her 10 children then in state custody. Valdez refused.

The judge said it was the same thing he does every day: come up with an individualized approach to therapeutic intervention.

"One size doesn't fit all," Valdez said. "Because Heidi came from a closed society, I felt she represented a unique culture and felt it was important to include people with unique experiences like she had and a therapist who had some familiarity with people like her."

Gaining trust

Says Mattingly Foster: "The more of those classes that I attended, the more empathetic I became and the more I was able to understand other people's point of view.

"I heard stories I would never have been able to imagine on my own - things that were completely different from anything I had ever known," she said. "There was no other way I would have ever gained that knowledge."

The YWCA is no longer involved, but Patricia Merkley, who worked with Mattingly Foster in 2005, still leads the group as an independent contractor with the Family Support Center.

"This is just something I do because I'm committed to it," said Merkley, a licensed clinical social worker.

Merkley has led six series of sessions so far, each drawing 10 or so women. The next group, which will meet for eight to 10 weeks, will begin in the fall.

Some women have attended more than one session, but each new group typically attracts newcomers.

"Some of the women who come aren't living polygamy in their own marriage but they grew up in it," Merkley said. "They feel a similarity with group members and can talk more readily about specific issues."

The participants have come from all of Utah's polygamous communities: independents, Apostolic United Brethren (Allreds), Davis County Cooperative Society (Kingstons) and the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

"We try to do the best we can to provide a safe environment and to be nonjudgmental and respectful," said Merkley.

But it has been a learning process for all involved.

"I thought I was tolerant and professional and open-minded and I realized I had misconceptions and judgments," Merkley said. "I've had to apologize sometimes, I've had to learn and I've had to gain their trust."

Power and inspiration

The women have had to overcome biases, too, about "outsiders" - not just Merkley, but also each other. Since they come from different groups, the women often have widely varying approaches to marriage, relationships and religious practice.

"Usually, with every group, the first two sessions they don't talk a lot," Merkley said. "The trust comes slowly."

Mattingly Foster said there was some worry at first about having women who have left polygamous communities and those who have remained in the same group. But "it wasn't an issue at all," she said.

The focus of the sessions has broadened from domestic violence and unhealthy relationships to include other "real life" issues. Merkley picks a topic and several probing questions, and then "we go wherever it goes.

"If I were to close my eyes, half of the time I would think I was working with any other group of women," Merkley said.

Other times, it's clear the challenges the women face are particular to the polygamous lifestyle: How do you deal with heartache and disappointment caused by a sister wife? How do you handle child discipline when the mothers' styles differ?

How do you help children with the prejudice they may encounter because of the family's lifestyle? How do you balance self-care with taking care of children and being a good mother?

"They tend to have more children and there are many more children in the home," she said.

Or, consider holidays. "What you do, which family do you see, how do you work that out, and do all the sister wives have the same voice?" Merkley said. "It is just more complicated. There are more issues, personalities. . . . Everything is cranked up a notch.

"It takes a lot of work to make those relationships work smoothly," she said. "There can be a lot of heartache and disappointment."

The payoff, Merkley said, is seeing the women find "power and inspiration" in each other's stories.

"They sometimes live in seclusion and they don't know what it is like for other women living in polygamy. They don't know they have the same challenges," she said.

brooke@sltrib.com