Modern love: Alone together

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Correction: Author Paul Amato will speak about modern American marriage Friday at noon in the Museum of Fine Arts auditorium at the University of Utah. The date of the lecture was incorrect in a Monday graphic.

Emily and James Hadfield really are two ships passing in the night, with James clocking in for work each evening just as Emily is leaving the office. But even when the couple could have time together, they often choose to spend it apart.

When James wants to see a horror movie, Emily stays home and reads. If she's doing volunteer work, he'll be in his workshop, building guitar amplifiers. When he hangs out with his amp buddies, she might go shopping.

"We're both really independent people. I don't have to check with him before I do something. He doesn't demand that I come home and make him dinner before he goes to work," she said. "That's what I appreciate about him, that he encourages me to do my own thing."

The Hadfields are like a growing number of married couples, according to sociologist Paul Amato. More Americans have separate friends, different social engagements and independent hobbies, and even vacation apart.

"The level of interaction and togetherness is way down," said Amato, co-author of the book Alone Together: How Marriage in America Is Changing (Harvard University Press, $45), a topic he'll discuss at a University of Utah lecture Friday.

Alone Together is the result of two identical studies on marital quality conducted 20 years apart. The researchers - Amato and three co-authors, Alan Booth, David R. Johnson and Stacy J. Rogers, all professors of sociology at Pennsylvania State University - found that modern marriage is a mixed bag.

"A lot of social scientists believe that marriage is not as strong as it used to be, that people are less committed to it," said Amato in a phone interview. "But what we found is that marriage has gotten better in some ways and riskier in others."

On the good side, Amato and his colleagues discovered that levels of domestic violence in marriage have fallen dramatically, about 50 percent, Amato said. The decline was so startling that the researchers initially questioned whether they had gotten it wrong. After comparing numbers with federal reports that use victim polling rather than relying on police reports only, they concluded the numbers were sound.

"Even 20 years ago, there was still some tolerance for aggression in a marriage. Now, most people realize that it's wrong," he said. That, coupled with tougher laws and policing practices, as well as more social awareness of the problem, may be the cause of the decline, he speculated.

Couples also are reporting fewer problems in their relationships. In fact, more couples say they are very satisfied with their marriages, so much so that the thought of divorce had never crossed their minds.

Also in the positive column: More spouses are reporting that they are equal partners in marriage than before.

"People have really moved away from this male-as-head-of-the-household model," said Amato, and that makes all the difference in their marriages. Couples who said decisions were made equally had relationships that were "better in every way," spending more time together, having fewer fights and sharing greater feelings of love and intimacy.

But for all the positive changes the survey found, it also found some negative ones. Amato puts the trend toward more independent spouses in this category.

The number of married couples who said they frequently saw a movie, went shopping, visited friends, worked on a project or did some other kind of entertainment together dropped by about 40 percent.

These husbands and wives also say they more often have separate friends, a troubling change. Mutual friends are "marriage capital," said Amato. They are more likely to support both spouses when the marriage hits a rough patch, rather than point out that there are other fish in the sea.

Many of these couples reported being happy with their independent arrangements. In fact, just as many couples said they were happy in 2000 as they did 20 years earlier. But Amato says the change still presents a risk.

"They might be perfectly happy, but when something comes along that challenges the relationship, it's tempting to say we already have our own friends, our independent lives, breaking up wouldn't be so bad," he said.

William Doherty, an acclaimed marriage therapist who visited Utah recently for a conference on marriage, said the separate-lives phenomenon may be a fact of modern life.

"We are busier and doing more outside the home than ever. We're working more hours. If we're raising kids, they are far more scheduled. We're wired to electronic screens," he said.

The antidote may be what he calls the "marital ritual," a brief period every day where couples can connect without interference from children, phones, bosses or neighbors. It can be as simple as a cup of tea or a 15-minute soak in the hut tub together at the end of every day.

"Go on a date every day of the week," he said.

Emily and James Hadfield aren't too worried about their separate lives, because they also make a strong team, they say. They make music together, take road trips, attend conferences and often challenge each other to a sweaty "Dance Dance Revolution" face-off.

"I think it's important for couples to still pursue their hobbies and maintain their identities, as well as make time to do things they enjoy together," said Emily Hadfield.

"This way we keep the best of both worlds."

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* JENNIFER BARRETT can be reached at jbarrett@sltrib.com or 801-257-8611. To comment on this story, e-mail livingeditor@sltrib.com.

AUTHOR PAUL AMATO will talk about modern American marriage Feb. 23 at noon in the University of Utah's Fine Arts Auditorium. The lecture is free and open to the public.