This is an archived article that was published on sltrib.com in 2007, and information in the article may be outdated. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted.
Some tweens call them "frienemies": the kids they find themselves in company with - in the same Scout troop, on the same swim team, in the next row at school - but who are clingy, needy or, worse, get them into trouble.
And they simply don't want to be friends with them anymore.
No question, good friends make life wonderful. Experts at the New York University Child Study Center say friends help small children learn how to get along with different people in different situations. Teens with friends, they say, have a better sense of well-being and self-esteem.
But the nature of friendship changes as children grow. Where once they needed balance on the other end of the teeter-totter, now they need . . . what?
Experts advise parents to have conversations with their children about what makes a good friend (and what it takes to be one). Emphasize that good friends have each other's welfare at heart, but also make the point that they have the power to say why and when a friendship should end.
While adults can analyze a bad situation as a way of getting control of it, children and teens may not be able to.
"Kids attach themselves to certain people or groups for a reason," explains Victoria Burgess, Salt Lake psychologist and co-author of The Survival Guide to Parenting. "They want to fit in. But children don't have their prefrontal cortexes attached, so they can't see into the future. They don't understand how what they do today affects things tomorrow. Often, parents don't recognize that."
So she recommends parents use the friends-gone-bad scenario as a family problem-solving situation, a chance to discuss it together, making it clear they are supporting their children and trust them to make decisions in their own best interests. "Ask them," says Burgess, "what their needs are to be associated with those kids. Do they help them be all they can be? Do they set good examples?"
Stay involved: Corrie Lynn Player, Utah mother of nine and author of Loving Firmness: Successfully Raising Teenagers Without Losing Your Mind (Mapletree Publishing, 14.95), believes friendships are essential to social skills. But she also insists that parents stay aware and involved. By involved, she means making sure friends spend plenty of time at the house or where you can see the friendship in action.
"Just because I thought somebody was a dud or a 'what-in-the-world-do-you-see-in-him?' type, I kept my mouth shut and let things play out. I'm not sure it's politically correct, but if a friendship was toxic, I ended it, period."
And what if your child is being manipulated or intimidated by another kid, or a whole clique of them, and needs some backup?
"There are times when parents need to take a stand," says Burgess. "It's the parents' job to protect children. They need to use their power as parents and cut off the relationship. My parents did that for me once and I was really grateful."
Burgess thinks both tactics - discussion and intervention - are equally effective. Whichever method parents use depends largely on what the individual child is likely to respond to best.
Just as the problems with friendships seem to be the same for children, teens and adults, so are the options: Stay friends, see less of them or not see them at all.
Sometimes friends: It's easier for parents to decide which of their little kids' troublesome activities to eliminate and which playmates to see less and less of. You don't have that much control with older children, who may not be happy but who may, nevertheless, rebel at any interference. Rather, try to understand what's going on and offer subtle support.
For instance, when a kid feels pressure to do things with the wrong people, have alternative suggestions ready. "Why don't you invite A and B to go with you so you don't have to be alone with C?" Or, "You know, I need to put the winter clothes in the cedar closet. Why don't you stay home and help me, then we can make some popcorn and watch our own movie?"
Friends no more: Because children's friendships come and go, depending on such flimsy reasons as who's in the sandbox during recess, emotions may be fleeting. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't acknowledge their feelings or point out that it's not nice to deliberately hurt someone else's. As long as there's no immediate danger, kids also need to work such things out themselves, without parental interference.
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* JANE GRAU can be contacted at jgrau@sltrib.com or 801-257-8694. Send comments about this story to livingeditor@sltrib.com.
What parents should do
Enlist help. Many parent-child conflicts can be eliminated if the child can confide in another adult or a responsible older teen, with the understanding that confidences won't be broken.
Know who your child's friends are. Send the message that friends are welcome in your home. Invite them to family activities so everybody, adults and children alike, develops relationships.
Take the kids out of their home territory - to a pizza parlor across town, for instance; you may find you've misjudged the "bad" one.
What parents shouldn't do
Criticize your children's friends to them. You can express your disapproval with your child's friends' behavior, but attacking them personally will turn them into enemies.
Bad-mouth. If people ask why the friendship ended, say something neutral like, "They no longer shared the same interests," rather than list personal faults.
Confuse what you see in your child's friends with what your child sees or needs.
Sources: http://www.wikihow.com and Anthony Kane, M.D.