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On Sunday, I committed a grievous sin. Instead of going to church where I supposedly belong, I went to the Utah Pride Parade and hung out with gay people.
It was my first gay parade/rally. I went with Sonny, and then only because his wife Sue came along and said I could put my arm around her if I started feeling misunderstood.
We rode TRAX downtown. At every stop, more gay people got on. I was guessing, of course. Odds are that not all of the people I thought were gay actually were. I'm pretty sure about the guy in the purple leotard, though.
Downtown was packed with thousands of people, including many other devout heterosexuals such as myself. A good share of the crowd was "straight," and participated in support of loved ones who weren't.
Actually, not even the entire gay crowd was gay. The word covers a wide range of sexual whatever. It's more accurate to say "LGBT," which I wouldn't try because I already did and it sounds like a curse from a drunken frog.
LGBT is an acronym for "lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender." I'll let you figure it out as needed.
Although the LDS Church isn't real popular with the LGBT community, the parade started promptly on Mormon time -- about 15 minutes late. It didn't help that it was pouring rain.
The weather didn't slow things down once they started. Whatever else you think about the LGBT crowd, they're committed. Thousands of people lined the streets with umbrellas.
I didn't see anything illegal. My grandma's head would have exploded anyway. People paraded in regular underwear, underwear designed to look like no underwear at all, and underwear that was actually just a field harness.
There were drag queens, politicians, gay organizations, straight supporters, and even some enormous condoms towed along like Chinese parade dragons.
After the parade, we went to Washington Square for lunch and the booths. I'm no expert, but gay people seem to have come a long way since coming out. Did you know there's an International Association of Gay Square Dance Clubs?
There were also booths for Gay Flag Football League, the Salt Lake Good Time Bowling League, a Mormon gay organization, and even a law enforcement booth advertising for recruits.
It was the most polite event I've been to since I can remember. But then I wasn't a street preacher.
On the northwest corner, a couple of preachers were telling passersby they were going to hell, and in turn being told to "[deleted] off."
The one with the "Homo Sex is Sin" sign was besieged by a dozen furious lesbians, a fact I deduced partly because of how they looked but mostly because they kept saying so at the top of their lungs.
The other preacher periodically held up two female ends of electrical cord and jammed them together to show, I guess, that the fit didn't work.
Neither did the object lesson. For me, it begged all sorts of gospel imponderables about biblically approved amps, volts, etc. Is Heaven 220 or 110? Are power strips brothels or plural marriage?
It wasn't the last misunderstanding of the day. Heading back to TRAX, we went by the law enforcement booth again. A Salt Lake City motorcycle officer stood in front of it, resplendent in his boots and leather.
As we passed, I overheard several intensely interested men trying to decide if the officer was a real cop or just a stripper.
